Is Heartbreak Worse Than Death?

Now the title may raise a lot of controversy or it may not at all, but it’s something I’ve been coping with for almost two months now. 

Is heartbreak worse than death?

You might be saying to yourself, “is this guy crazy?”

Perhaps I am. To be honest after my recent breakup I have gone a bit crazy. The moment my Ex left my life a part of me died. This girl wanted to marry me and build a future with me. We were practically married as we lived together for several years and basically did a lot of things married couples do. I loved it and thought she did, too. 

So how could I come up with such a statement?

I never really thought of it until I vented to one of my best friends. He asked me if coping would be easier if she was dead and I said yes honestly. I’d know she was gone forever and not seeing anyone else, but I’d never ever wish that on her. She deserves to be happy. But I’ve lost a lot of people in my life at a young age. I’ve lost all but one of my grandparents. I’ve lost several dogs back home while I was away at college and grad school. I’ve lost many relatives and I’m only 25 years old. Losing family is extremely hard, so don’t get me wrong. Not being able to say goodbye is awful. 

But. 

When someone passes away, you never see them again. Perhaps in an afterlife if you believe in that, which would be fantastic, but you know right there that these people are gone…forever. You will NEVER see them again during your lifetime. Their journey in our world has ended. All you can do is grieve and cherish the memories you have. 

You can do the same with a heartbreak, BUT they are still alive. Their life is going on…without you. You can see them happy without you (unless you’ve blocked them) and you can see them living without you. Just before you were told they wanted to spend their life with you. They wanted to have children, start a family, build a house, travel with you, get a dog and the whole nine yards…now you see them doing that without you. Perhaps they will do that with someone else. It’s so hard to witness and even think about. 

Earlier I said I’ve gone crazy after my breakup. Yeah I honestly have. I’ve had panic attacks, I’ve had major anxiety issues I’ve never ever encountered in my entire life, I’ve had emotional breakdowns out of nowhere. I started to see a therapist, something I never thought I’d ever need. You just live your life empty. A part of you is just gone. Everything reminds you of your partner. It could be music, seeing their car driving by, even just going to the grocery store. I literally see my Ex’s type of car everywhere, it drives me crazy. Everything is a mind game. You can’t really control your mind. You can fight your mind but you can’t control it. I could be shopping with my family and suddenly have a flashback of my Ex and I going to the store. It’s awful. 

It’s grief. It’s the grieving process. 

I’ve cried myself to sleep sometimes almost two months later. She seems to have moved on. Even told me she’s so over it and doing amazing. All of that just tears at your heartstrings. 

Heartbreak is honestly one of the hardest and worst feelings I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. I know how to cope with death but I honestly have no idea how to cope with heartbreak, especially my first. Why? Because it’s so confusing. You’re left in the dark only assuming you know what went wrong but you really don’t know and you can’t understand it. You just feel lost and betrayed. I’m terrified of even investing in someone new emotionally right now. I literally put myself into this relationship thinking I’d never ever have to find someone else. But now I do. I’m not going to be a hermit as I’ve always wanted a life partner. I treat my partner very well, I’m certainly not perfect for obvious reasons but I really give of myself to those I care about. To fully invest in someone for many years only for them to leave you unexpectedly is awful. I can only imagine what a divorce is like…I hope I never ever have to experience that. 

Perhaps my Ex came into my life to prepare me for the right person. I know my Ex wasn’t the best match but I loved her for who she was. I was addicted to our love as she meant so much to me and still does. She’s treated me like crap in the end, but I can’t see her for that. Love is blinding. But a part of me will always love her for all that she did for me. She gave me a chance. 

The light at the end of the tunnel is that had this not happened I would’ve never broken my bad habits and start healthier ones. Looking back she would do things sometimes that annoyed me and I’m sure I did stuff too. Nobody is perfect. But I overlooked a lot of things as I wanted to give us a chance. 

If you’re going through heartbreak I’m sorry. It’s such an awful feeling. My Ex seems to be immune to it as I was her third. She told me she couldn’t feel a certain way because she was emotionally scarred from her past, which is extremely hard to comprehend when you’re an emotional person. I still don’t get it and never will. I can tell you things will get better. They will. You can choose to let it eat at you or move on. I am doing both. I can’t just cut her off. It’s impossible no matter how many people tell you that you can. Love doesn’t just vanish in my opinion. Your Ex may say they’re over it but I doubt it. Honestly. You can’t love someone for years and get over it in a day. My Ex still looks at my SnapChats, so I know she is holding onto something. She also hasn’t unfollowed me on anything. Just stay positive if you can. Vent to friends and family. Check out Relationship.net, I’ve met some interesting people there that has helped a bit. Just don’t isolate yourself. You will grieve. If you have to cry then cry. Don’t be ashamed. Know someone better is waiting. 

So, do you feel heartbreak is worse than death? Are they similar? Not even close?

I’m curious your opinion. Let me know in the comments if you’d like. It’s just something deep to think about.