Anxiety is probably one of the craziest, scariest things one could deal with. I have it right now as I write this. Did I choose to have it?
No. Nobody does.
The scariest thing about anxiety is that I never even knew I had it until recently. What caused it? Apparently something in my childhood, but I know from recent events it has escalated like I’d never experienced before.
Since I was young I’ve been very close with my parents. I’m an only child. I’m used to being alone. But I’ve always liked to know someone was around, whether in the room or the house. My parents would always tell me stories about that and I never really thought much about it except that I like being around others. But now that I think more about it I think that’s a sign of anxiety at an early age.
When I was in school, I remember it moreso in high school, I never really believed in my writing. One day I approached my English teacher about a paper I did horrible on and he realized I didn’t believe in myself. He pushed me and on my next paper I did extremely well, especially from that point onward. My mom would always push me to work really hard, being hard on me about things in hopes I would do better, which I would, but I think anxiety came from this as well. Of course she meant well, I guess it just created self doubt in me, which has haunted me most of my life.
In high school I had no confidence when it came to women. I tried asking a few girls to homecoming and got rejected as I waited too long as someone beat me to it, so I never really believed in myself. Through college I was pretty much the same. I never really had the self confidence to approach a girl in terms of dating. My best friend there was very similar. I think it was sophomore or junior year I found out one of my best female friends had the hots for me and I always had a thing for her, so we tried it. She gave me my first kiss but I became too clingy and she called things off. I hadn’t known from anything else before. So this hurt me a lot but I got over it. Then senior year I became close with another girl who wound up being a lipstick lesbian, so that threw me off lol.
So eventually I went on to grad school and met my now Ex. We met pretty early on in school, just a few months in. I thought she was kind of cute but wasn’t sure how I truly felt. We hung out a lot after her roommate introduced us. We lived in the same dorm building and my Ex was the only one who would hang out with me out of all her roommates. So we naturally became close. One night we all went out, I think she got drunk and danced on me at this club. That’s when I knew something was there for her. So I don’t know if it was the next night or a few nights later or what but I kissed her before leaving her room for the night. Then things kind of took off from there. We went on winter break shortly after and I came to stay at her house towards the end of it where we practically made it official. We went on our first date then and things just took off. We had already known each other pretty well at that point. We would spend like everyday together and go grocery shopping to cook food in the dorm. Then once the year got closer to ending we decided to get an apartment. We loved it. It was great. I later graduated, a year before her. I almost didn’t graduate due to a professor being an asshole to me, really lowering my self esteem. As I said my mom always pushed me to do well so for someone to really treat me badly and prevent me from doing this really rocked me. That summer I got really emotional being apart from my Ex as I had no idea when I’d be with her again. This really bothered her. Luckily she worked at a summer camp near me that summer and we worked things out, but she was never quite the same after that.
I was fearful of not finding a job so I took an internship down by her at school so I could be with her. I lived with her again for several months until my internship ended. My grandma’s dog wound up being put down and then my dog wound up being put down, not to mention my dad lost his job. My parents asked me to move back home so I did. So now my anxiety had taken a huge turn and I had become somewhat depressed. A few months later I went to visit my Ex as they had a career fair, so it was an excuse to see her and see if I could land something. That was the last time I saw her. A month or so later I got anxiety from a post on Facebook talking about a girl splitting with her boyfriend as they’d be going separate ways after school. I told my Ex and she called it quits. I’m not so sure what sparked it but she apparently wasn’t happy with me anymore from what she said. She just never really recovered from the past summer, which to me is kind of odd.
But my Ex claimed she is practically dead inside and can’t feel emotional about much anymore. She just couldn’t love me back the way I loved her. She told me I deserved the love I was so willing to give and I am very loving, that’s just how I am naturally to those I really care about. I of course don’t understand but I guess that’s how she is. I begged and pleaded but she said no matter how much I change won’t matter. We had discussed getting married and everything. That was the plan for our 2.5 years together. So that’s what I believed. I tried talking to her a month later and she still wasn’t that warm, I believe it was a way to get me to back off, so I’ve left her alone since. We’d watch each other’s Snapchat stories until recently when she removed me. It showed me she still cared but did what was best to move on. We are still connected on Facebook and Instagram but have hidden each other. I still really care about her and the silence eats at me everyday. I no longer have that special person to share my life with. It hurts because I’m empty. You know I write these blogs and still suffer but it helps me vent and explore my feelings. My Ex and I had a lot of differences, some major and some very minor, but I can pinpoint things that bothered me much like I’m sure she can me. It doesn’t make her bad, I still love and respect her and probably always will. She has a very special place in my heart. It’s just trying to find someone new now that gets me going.
I’ve developed the worst anxiety since. I’ve gotten better and have worked on finding my happiness again, but I still think about her everyday and even cry about her sometimes. I’ve started seeing a therapist to help and it does to an extent. I have my good days and bad days. But anxiety has kicked my ass ever since.
I recently learned my friends I’ve been hanging with have never been in a serious relationship. It felt good to know I have but also made me weary as I don’t want to stay single like them. I loved my Ex, still do, and it’s hard picturing life without her. I know she wasn’t a great fit but I accepted her for who she was. Now I have fears of trying with someone new and even fears of never finding someone like her. I have fear of being single forever like my friends. They’re all irrational fears and I know that, but subconsciously I don’t. My brain doesn’t care. It chooses to be scared. That’s easier. I joined a dating app months ago and have been messaged and liked by a few girls but I never replied back. I wasn’t ready but now I think I am. I’ll have an urge to do it then the fear will take over me and I’ll step back. But I long for a significant other. I want to share my life with someone like I did. I loved being loved and loved living independently with them. It meant the world to me. I thought my life was complete in terms of love and to have that stripped away hurt me so bad as it wasn’t my choice, it was hers. But this anxiety gets in the way and it’s so frustrating. I’ll have days I feel strong and days I’m mopey as ever for several hours. It’s an emotional rollercoaster and anxiety seems to love me.
Anxiety is so powerful it’s scary. Thankfully I don’t have extreme anxiety but I can only imagine what those who do go through. It’s scary. You have no control over how you feel. People tell you to suck it up but you can’t. It doesn’t work that way. My parents get annoyed as they don’t know how to cope with it. They don’t mean to be that way they just don’t know how. We have to find someone who is patient and compassionate. My Ex was to an extent but she got mad at me when I couldn’t handle her anxiety years ago. I never dealt with it before and didn’t know how to help her like I would now. You just have to find someone who is willing to work though it with you. Not judge you or anything.
If anxiety loves you like it loves me, seek a therapist or life coach. It helps a lot to have someone who does care. I know it’s not a partner so it’s different but it’s better than nobody at all. Find ways to identify your anxiety, what triggers it and how to cope with it if you can. My life has turned around since my break up, literally the worst thing I’ve ever dealt with, but I’ve landed a job, got a new dog and my dad got a job. So everything is stable again and your life can be, too. Just make the effort to not let anxiety win if you can. I know you can do it. I’m doing it myself.
Before I go, I highly recommend seeing the new film Swiss Army Man starring Daniel Radcliffe and Paul Dano. This film is honestly all about anxiety and loneliness. It’s wacky but if you can really dig below the surface it has a really powerful message. It’s quite sad honestly. Go see it, it may help you realize there’s a light at the end of every dark tunnel. Something all of us need to hear sometimes.
Good luck! You got this!
The Walks of Lyfe 