Anxiety Loves Me

Anxiety is probably one of the craziest, scariest things one could deal with. I have it right now as I write this. Did I choose to have it? 

No. Nobody does. 

The scariest thing about anxiety is that I never even knew I had it until recently. What caused it? Apparently something in my childhood, but I know from recent events it has escalated like I’d never experienced before. 

Since I was young I’ve been very close with my parents. I’m an only child. I’m used to being alone. But I’ve always liked to know someone was around, whether in the room or the house. My parents would always tell me stories about that and I never really thought much about it except that I like being around others. But now that I think more about it I think that’s a sign of anxiety at an early age. 

When I was in school, I remember it moreso in high school, I never really believed in my writing. One day I approached my English teacher about a paper I did horrible on and he realized I didn’t believe in myself. He pushed me and on my next paper I did extremely well, especially from that point onward. My mom would always push me to work really hard, being hard on me about things in hopes I would do better, which I would, but I think anxiety came from this as well. Of course she meant well, I guess it just created self doubt in me, which has haunted me most of my life. 

In high school I had no confidence when it came to women. I tried asking a few girls to homecoming and got rejected as I waited too long as someone beat me to it, so I never really believed in myself. Through college I was pretty much the same. I never really had the self confidence to approach a girl in terms of dating. My best friend there was very similar. I think it was sophomore or junior year I found out one of my best female friends had the hots for me and I always had a thing for her, so we tried it. She gave me my first kiss but I became too clingy and she called things off. I hadn’t known from anything else before. So this hurt me a lot but I got over it. Then senior year I became close with another girl who wound up being a lipstick lesbian, so that threw me off lol. 

So eventually I went on to grad school and met my now Ex. We met pretty early on in school, just a few months in. I thought she was kind of cute but wasn’t sure how I truly felt. We hung out a lot after her roommate introduced us. We lived in the same dorm building and my Ex was the only one who would hang out with me out of all her roommates. So we naturally became close. One night we all went out, I think she got drunk and danced on me at this club. That’s when I knew something was there for her. So I don’t know if it was the next night or a few nights later or what but I kissed her before leaving her room for the night. Then things kind of took off from there. We went on winter break shortly after and I came to stay at her house towards the end of it where we practically made it official. We went on our first date then and things just took off. We had already known each other pretty well at that point. We would spend like everyday together and go grocery shopping to cook food in the dorm. Then once the year got closer to ending we decided to get an apartment. We loved it. It was great. I later graduated, a year before her. I almost didn’t graduate due to a professor being an asshole to me, really lowering my self esteem. As I said my mom always pushed me to do well so for someone to really treat me badly and prevent me from doing this really rocked me. That summer I got really emotional being apart from my Ex as I had no idea when I’d be with her again. This really bothered her. Luckily she worked at a summer camp near me that summer and we worked things out, but she was never quite the same after that. 

I was fearful of not finding a job so I took an internship down by her at school so I could be with her. I lived with her again for several months until my internship ended. My grandma’s dog wound up being put down and then my dog wound up being put down, not to mention my dad lost his job. My parents asked me to move back home so I did. So now my anxiety had taken a huge turn and I had become somewhat depressed. A few months later I went to visit my Ex as they had a career fair, so it was an excuse to see her and see if I could land something. That was the last time I saw her. A month or so later I got anxiety from a post on Facebook talking about a girl splitting with her boyfriend as they’d be going separate ways after school. I told my Ex and she called it quits. I’m not so sure what sparked it but she apparently wasn’t happy with me anymore from what she said. She just never really recovered from the past summer, which to me is kind of odd. 

But my Ex claimed she is practically dead inside and can’t feel emotional about much anymore. She just couldn’t love me back the way I loved her. She told me I deserved the love I was so willing to give and I am very loving, that’s just how I am naturally to those I really care about.  I of course don’t understand but I guess that’s how she is. I begged and pleaded but she said no matter how much I change won’t matter. We had discussed getting married and everything. That was the plan for our 2.5 years together. So that’s what I believed. I tried talking to her a month later and she still wasn’t that warm, I believe it was a way to get me to back off, so I’ve left her alone since. We’d watch each other’s Snapchat stories until recently when she removed me. It showed me she still cared but did what was best to move on. We are still connected on Facebook and Instagram but have hidden each other. I still really care about her and the silence eats at me everyday. I no longer have that special person to share my life with. It hurts because I’m empty. You know I write these blogs and still suffer but it helps me vent and explore my feelings. My Ex and I had a lot of differences, some major and some very minor, but I can pinpoint things that bothered me much like I’m sure she can me. It doesn’t make her bad, I still love and respect her and probably always will. She has a very special place in my heart. It’s just trying to find someone new now that gets me going. 

I’ve developed the worst anxiety since. I’ve gotten better and have worked on finding my happiness again, but I still think about her everyday and even cry about her sometimes. I’ve started seeing a therapist to help and it does to an extent. I have my good days and bad days. But anxiety has kicked my ass ever since. 

I recently learned my friends I’ve been hanging with have never been in a serious relationship. It felt good to know I have but also made me weary as I don’t want to stay single like them. I loved my Ex, still do, and it’s hard picturing life without her. I know she wasn’t a great fit but I accepted her for who she was. Now I have fears of trying with someone new and even fears of never finding someone like her. I have fear of being single forever like my friends. They’re all irrational fears and I know that, but subconsciously I don’t. My brain doesn’t care. It chooses to be scared. That’s easier. I joined a dating app months ago and have been messaged and liked by a few girls but I never replied back. I wasn’t ready but now I think I am. I’ll have an urge to do it then the fear will take over me and I’ll step back. But I long for a significant other. I want to share my life with someone like I did. I loved being loved and loved living independently with them. It meant the world to me. I thought my life was complete in terms of love and to have that stripped away hurt me so bad as it wasn’t my choice, it was hers. But this anxiety gets in the way and it’s so frustrating. I’ll have days I feel strong and days I’m mopey as ever for several hours. It’s an emotional rollercoaster and anxiety seems to love me. 

Anxiety is so powerful it’s scary. Thankfully I don’t have extreme anxiety but I can only imagine what those who do go through. It’s scary. You have no control over how you feel. People tell you to suck it up but you can’t. It doesn’t work that way. My parents get annoyed as they don’t know how to cope with it. They don’t mean to be that way they just don’t know how. We have to find someone who is patient and compassionate. My Ex was to an extent but she got mad at me when I couldn’t handle her anxiety years ago. I never dealt with it before and didn’t know how to help her like I would now. You just have to find someone who is willing to work though it with you. Not judge you or anything. 

If anxiety loves you like it loves me, seek a therapist or life coach. It helps a lot to have someone who does care. I know it’s not a partner so it’s different but it’s better than nobody at all. Find ways to identify your anxiety, what triggers it and how to cope with it if you can. My life has turned around since my break up, literally the worst thing I’ve ever dealt with, but I’ve landed a job, got a new dog and my dad got a job. So everything is stable again and your life can be, too. Just make the effort to not let anxiety win if you can. I know you can do it. I’m doing it myself. 

Before I go, I highly recommend seeing the new film Swiss Army Man starring Daniel Radcliffe and Paul Dano. This film is honestly all about anxiety and loneliness. It’s wacky but if you can really dig below the surface it has a really powerful message. It’s quite sad honestly. Go see it, it may help you realize there’s a light at the end of every dark tunnel. Something all of us need to hear sometimes. 

Good luck! You got this!

Is Heartbreak Worse Than Death?

Now the title may raise a lot of controversy or it may not at all, but it’s something I’ve been coping with for almost two months now. 

Is heartbreak worse than death?

You might be saying to yourself, “is this guy crazy?”

Perhaps I am. To be honest after my recent breakup I have gone a bit crazy. The moment my Ex left my life a part of me died. This girl wanted to marry me and build a future with me. We were practically married as we lived together for several years and basically did a lot of things married couples do. I loved it and thought she did, too. 

So how could I come up with such a statement?

I never really thought of it until I vented to one of my best friends. He asked me if coping would be easier if she was dead and I said yes honestly. I’d know she was gone forever and not seeing anyone else, but I’d never ever wish that on her. She deserves to be happy. But I’ve lost a lot of people in my life at a young age. I’ve lost all but one of my grandparents. I’ve lost several dogs back home while I was away at college and grad school. I’ve lost many relatives and I’m only 25 years old. Losing family is extremely hard, so don’t get me wrong. Not being able to say goodbye is awful. 

But. 

When someone passes away, you never see them again. Perhaps in an afterlife if you believe in that, which would be fantastic, but you know right there that these people are gone…forever. You will NEVER see them again during your lifetime. Their journey in our world has ended. All you can do is grieve and cherish the memories you have. 

You can do the same with a heartbreak, BUT they are still alive. Their life is going on…without you. You can see them happy without you (unless you’ve blocked them) and you can see them living without you. Just before you were told they wanted to spend their life with you. They wanted to have children, start a family, build a house, travel with you, get a dog and the whole nine yards…now you see them doing that without you. Perhaps they will do that with someone else. It’s so hard to witness and even think about. 

Earlier I said I’ve gone crazy after my breakup. Yeah I honestly have. I’ve had panic attacks, I’ve had major anxiety issues I’ve never ever encountered in my entire life, I’ve had emotional breakdowns out of nowhere. I started to see a therapist, something I never thought I’d ever need. You just live your life empty. A part of you is just gone. Everything reminds you of your partner. It could be music, seeing their car driving by, even just going to the grocery store. I literally see my Ex’s type of car everywhere, it drives me crazy. Everything is a mind game. You can’t really control your mind. You can fight your mind but you can’t control it. I could be shopping with my family and suddenly have a flashback of my Ex and I going to the store. It’s awful. 

It’s grief. It’s the grieving process. 

I’ve cried myself to sleep sometimes almost two months later. She seems to have moved on. Even told me she’s so over it and doing amazing. All of that just tears at your heartstrings. 

Heartbreak is honestly one of the hardest and worst feelings I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. I know how to cope with death but I honestly have no idea how to cope with heartbreak, especially my first. Why? Because it’s so confusing. You’re left in the dark only assuming you know what went wrong but you really don’t know and you can’t understand it. You just feel lost and betrayed. I’m terrified of even investing in someone new emotionally right now. I literally put myself into this relationship thinking I’d never ever have to find someone else. But now I do. I’m not going to be a hermit as I’ve always wanted a life partner. I treat my partner very well, I’m certainly not perfect for obvious reasons but I really give of myself to those I care about. To fully invest in someone for many years only for them to leave you unexpectedly is awful. I can only imagine what a divorce is like…I hope I never ever have to experience that. 

Perhaps my Ex came into my life to prepare me for the right person. I know my Ex wasn’t the best match but I loved her for who she was. I was addicted to our love as she meant so much to me and still does. She’s treated me like crap in the end, but I can’t see her for that. Love is blinding. But a part of me will always love her for all that she did for me. She gave me a chance. 

The light at the end of the tunnel is that had this not happened I would’ve never broken my bad habits and start healthier ones. Looking back she would do things sometimes that annoyed me and I’m sure I did stuff too. Nobody is perfect. But I overlooked a lot of things as I wanted to give us a chance. 

If you’re going through heartbreak I’m sorry. It’s such an awful feeling. My Ex seems to be immune to it as I was her third. She told me she couldn’t feel a certain way because she was emotionally scarred from her past, which is extremely hard to comprehend when you’re an emotional person. I still don’t get it and never will. I can tell you things will get better. They will. You can choose to let it eat at you or move on. I am doing both. I can’t just cut her off. It’s impossible no matter how many people tell you that you can. Love doesn’t just vanish in my opinion. Your Ex may say they’re over it but I doubt it. Honestly. You can’t love someone for years and get over it in a day. My Ex still looks at my SnapChats, so I know she is holding onto something. She also hasn’t unfollowed me on anything. Just stay positive if you can. Vent to friends and family. Check out Relationship.net, I’ve met some interesting people there that has helped a bit. Just don’t isolate yourself. You will grieve. If you have to cry then cry. Don’t be ashamed. Know someone better is waiting. 

So, do you feel heartbreak is worse than death? Are they similar? Not even close?

I’m curious your opinion. Let me know in the comments if you’d like. It’s just something deep to think about. 

The Person You Love is NOT the Person You Know

If you’ve ever been in a breakup with someone or divorced, etc. you probably realized that your Ex is no longer the person you fell in love with however long ago. 

If you haven’t been in this situation props to you, but it is something to keep in mind. They say you don’t know your partner until you break up or get married. 

As you know by now if you’ve read all my posts, my Ex broke up with me after we were together 2.5 years. We lived together, talked about getting married and everything. Well she broke up with me a month ago and we did no contact and such. I extended it as I felt I wasn’t healed yet. 

So I reached out to her the other day to tell her I landed a job. She was nice about it. Then I went on to apologize for breaking the no contact and she was kind of mean and short. She was somewhat distant as well. It bothered me and it hurts. She offered friendship when we broke up, so I figured ok after a month she’ll cool down and we can start being friends. 

Wrong. 

Apparently according to her it will take more than a couple months to be friends…about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Yes we are coming off a fresh, long relationship but we had a very good friendship. I am never one to act differently towards people I really care about, so I was warm towards her and it made her fear I thought we would have another chance, which is true I did, so it bothered her a lot. What I don’t get at all is where the foundation you built over many years suddenly goes, especially when you didn’t do anything negative to her. It’s sad. 

So I decided to do some homework on this. And it’s a little eye opening. After a breakup the dumpee is usually delusional about a lot of things. An article I found was spot on. My Ex seems so happy without me as she’s now wearing makeup and working out way more than she did when we were together. Not to mention she’s way over our relationship supposedly. 

In one of the articles I read it said that the person your Ex was during your relationship has passed away and a new soul has taken over their body. They may look the same, but they’re not the same person inside. And this makes a lot of sense the more I think about it, but it’s also really sad. It talked about how during your relationship your partner will act differently as they want to be in their best form and adopt to the way you are and vise versa. So when you breakup and they move on, that form of them vanishes. That’s not how I am necessarily. What changed about me are all the negative traits I came to acknowledge after my relationship that are now gone, but my attitude towards her isn’t changed. I would never suddenly be disrespectful to someone I loved for over 2 years, that’s just not in my nature. 

If you notice this about your Ex it’s a really rude awakening. They may be mean or the total opposite of who they were. You just feel like asking them “who are you?” It’s kind of scary. If you cheated or abused them that’s a different story, but when you just split over something minor and they act different it really hurts. You feel like you’re walking on egg shells. And I don’t know how else to talk to her than how I always did. She wants me to not be emotional when I speak to her, but I’m just a kind person. She was my first love so it’s a huge learning experience for me. I just don’t get how someone can change so drastically. You may even feel like they never really loved you, but that’s most likely not true. Especially if your relationship lasts for a long time. So don’t put that in your head. They wouldn’t last with you as long as they did if they didn’t have any feelings for you. 

And remember a relationship is a two way street. If they get on the sidewalk and go another way that’s on them. You may never understand their reasoning, I know I won’t, but you have to accept it and respect their wishes. Especially if you want to have a friendship eventually. Letting go is the hardest part and seeing the person you loved turn into someone else is heartbreaking. But their true colors came out and that’s who they really are. You just have to accept them for who they are and decide if they’re still worth keeping around. 

If you haven’t gotten to this point, and I hope you never do, take a good look at your partner and ask yourself if they’re really the person you think they are and someone you’d like to spend your life with.  

So take a deep breath and relax. People change for the better or worse. They may try and tackle their insecurities while separated. Just wish them well, be the bigger person and do your best to move on, as hard as it is. And remember they came into your life to teach you something, even if you don’t realize it now, they did much like you taught them something. 

Life works in mysterious ways. It really does. You may never truly understand it but you’re learning along the way. Just keep on keep in’ on. 

Letting Go is Harder Than You Know

You know I’ve never been one to cope well with loss, but who is? 

A death in the family or of a friend is very hard to deal with as you’ll never see them again, but you have that closure knowing this. 

However, what about someone who is still alive? 

To me this is even more difficult because both of your lives go on, just without each other. 

Yes this is another article about my Ex, but I had an even bigger wake up call today. Today I reached out to her to let her know I found a job thinking she’d be happy for me, she was, how genuine it was I’m not sure. I went on to apologize to her for all that transpired and we spoke briefly. She was distant and a little cold because she said she’s just so emotionally detached. I have become somewhat detached but not 100% until now. 

I loved this girl. I’d do anything for her and we were together almost 2.5 years, we even lived together. I never abused her, cheated on her or did anything malicious. I just simply got borderline depressed when shit hit the fan in my life and she couldn’t handle it anymore. So why would she be cold and distant?

Yes our relationship ended, but it was built on friendship so I thought? She was uncomfortable in our conversation and ended it because I was talking to her emotionally I guess? Me being open and honest is emotional apparently and I’m supposed to talk to her some other way? I don’t know how else to talk to someone I care about whether I’m dating them or just a friend. I just naturally treat people of all ages the same and then go above and beyond for those I love. 

Losing someone who is dear to you while they’re living is so challenging. There’s always that “what if” question because they’re still doing their thing, but without you. At least with a death you know it’s over, but knowing they’re alive seems that much harder to me. 

I will always wonder what she’s doing, who she is dating, how her life is going and what have you. Granted we are connected on social media but still. There’s that “what if” mentality like “what if we were still together now?” or “what if I messaged her, how would she reply?” and whatever other questions. 

It’s really hard to just let go. 

Letting go is so hard and I mean so hard. I was her third boyfriend while she was my first, so of course it’s harder for me. But losing people important to me hurts. No matter the circumstance. A guy I considered a really good friend stabbed me in the back in grad school. People change. They teach you things in life then disappear. Some may stick around but not many do sadly. 

Just beware of those you let into your life. They are there to learn from you and vice versa. They come into your life for a reason. You may not see it now but you will eventually. 

So what exactly does it mean to let go? It’s the ability to move on 100%. Cut off contact, whether they’re dead or alive. Never have the desire to see them again. This is easier said than done. 

It’s like a gaping hole you can’t close. You want to just talk to them but you can’t, or you shouldn’t, so you just start living your life without them. If they truly meant something to you it’s hard to not think about them. They created memories with you. Good and bad. They created a chapter in your life. 

When my Ex broke up with me I took extra time away to heal. It helped me but I learned today I wasn’t fully healed. After my encounter with her tonight I will really be able to heal as whatever I was holding onto is gone. It’s a shame. It’s scary. And it’s really sad. When you invest time into someone and they disappear, it really hurts. But when they act a certain way you realize they probably weren’t worth it or they got what they needed and moved on. 

People are interesting creatures. They really are. I often wonder what makes certain people tick. You think you know someone then they totally surprise you, good or bad. But that’s life. We encounter these people everyday. You’ll continue to do this until the day you disappear from the planet. Just go in with both eyes open, you’ll learn a lot. 

When it comes to letting go, just take it a day at a time. Cherish the good with the bad. Don’t hold grudges. My Ex pissed me off tonight but I’m not going to paint her negatively. I cherish all she did for me. I hope she finds happiness honestly. But just work on yourself. Heal yourself with things you enjoy whether hobbies or people who make you happy. Time heals all wounds, just be patient. I’ll be doing this myself now. Just be grateful for the time you had with them and realize what you learned along the way. 

The Gift of Soul Searching

How well do you know yourself?

Honestly. 

Do you really know yourself? 

If you say yes I’m going to say I don’t believe you. 

Why?

Well, you may think you know yourself but I bet you don’t know everything. Relating back to my Tunnel Vision post, have you stepped back and realized how you are, how you’re acting and if you’re truly healthy?

If so, great, but how often do you do this?

It wasn’t until recently that I did this probably for the first time. Life is like a one way street, you can’t go back, only forwards and sometimes life just passes us by as we roll along each day. You don’t stop to take in everything around you and where you are currently.  

You should, honestly. 

I know I’ve mentioned my past relationship with my Ex that recently ended quite a lot, but I’ve learned so much from it. 

I learned how to soul search. 

Soul searching is extremely powerful. It only works when you’re absolutely honest and open with yourself. Losing my Ex has been one of the hardest things to cope with. It’s even harder because it’s not a death in the family, she’s still alive and well (I wish her nothing but the best) and she’s moving on with her life without me. It’s really hard as we were together for 2.5 years and I loved/cherished them through the good and bad. 

But when she broke up with me my world turned upside down. But it also opened my eyes. I didn’t blame her for anything, and yes we are both guilty for problems in a relationship, but I looked at myself. I knew what physical changes I can make instantly, and those were beneficial, but I also started to look within. Now this won’t happen overnight, it can take days, weeks or months, maybe even years. But I’ve really dug deep and realized everywhere I went wrong. It takes maturity to be honest with yourself and realize your flaws. 

And now I’m working on changing all those habits and traits I had, that I can control, so my next partner won’t have to deal with them and neither will I. 

I feel cleansed and much stronger/healthier than ever. It’s unfortunate I had to learn the hard way but sometimes that’s what it takes. I needed shock value. 

So if you’re in a situation in life, perhaps any type of relationship, stop what you’re doing and take a look within. Are you happy? Are you being your true self? Are there things about you that you can change now that perhaps are hurting you or someone else?

Be honest with yourself. 

It’s one of the best things you could ever do, trust me. Like I said we just move through time and don’t always stop to realize where we are or how we are. Our self worth and dignity are important. Don’t forget about you. You’re just as important. 

I did and it hurt me. I give of myself to those I care about so much but I can easily lose track of myself while doing this. And it happened in my relationship. 

Take a moment right now to analyze yourself and your current situation. Just take a few minutes. You won’t regret it. 

Dangers of Addictive Behavior

Addiction is a very scary thing. I’m sure everyone faces some form of addiction in their life. I don’t mean just drugs or alcohol, some people shop a lot, work too much, love too much and much more. 

I know I do. 

I’m a straight edge guy, but addictive behavior runs in my family. 

My mother is obsessed with cleaning and saving money. Her brother is addicted to conning people and drugs, we don’t associate with him anymore. Her sister is addicted to shopping and Botox. I can probably go on and on. 

Addiction is scary. You feel like you’re trapped.

I suffer from it. In my last post I spoke about my addiction to collecting. I would spend money constantly on toys as it would give me a quick fix of happiness then I’d never open them. This would drive my Ex wild as she was very tight with her money and was fearful I wouldn’t know how to save. Now I always bought her things and took her out on dates constantly, so please don’t think I disregarded her. I just had no concept of money. 

I also would get obsessed with Internet drama in the toy community as I had become an influencer. Everyday I’d be on my second Facebook for my followers than my personal account…that’s sad. I became addicted to YouTube because I had become successful there, so it was routine to upload new content every week, multiple times a week. 

And lastly I truly believe I’m addicted to my Ex. This is considered addictive love where you constantly dwell on what your partner or Ex is doing, etc. My Ex was my very first love. I was very late to the relationship game because I wasn’t confident until I met her. Now I fell hard for this girl. She gave me a chance and there were several things about her background/desires that concerned me but I looked past them because I’m not perfect either and I loved her, baggage and all. She took my virginity and ultimately made me a happy person. There’s pretty much nothing I wouldn’t do for her. We were so happy together in college that our second year we decided to get an apartment as we hated our roommates, we lived in the same dorm building. She would cook for me, we’d do laundry together, her dog was with us and we had our own living space. We did everything together honestly, I felt we were married. Because of this I became comfortable, which was bad. I put on weight, got lazy and became cluttered (I’m an organized guy). At school we each only had like five friends if that and not many had cars, so her and I did everything together. And honestly I loved it because my parents are similar, it’s what I’m used to. 

When I became in a funk after graduating I really relied on her for my happiness and she did her best to motivate me, I just wasn’t having it. Then a lot of hardship like deaths in the family surfaced. Then I eventually moved back home and was hoping she’d come with me, but her financial situation caused her to go home (we’re from different states). So I built a fear we wouldn’t be together and it eventually cost me my relationship.

Now that we are broken up I dwell on her. We’ve remained friends on social media. She deleted every photo of us, which broke my heart and caused me to break our “no contact” rule and she broke it off permanently then. I was heartbroken but I’ve been doing a lot of self improvement to overcome all my habits. But I do still dwell on her. I constantly check her social media to see what she’s doing while I give her space to heal. This girl has meant everything to me the past 2.5 years and she ultimately became my world, which is why she felt I was overbearing I’m sure. All I wanted to do was be the best boyfriend I could be as her past ones were a-holes, and her family adored me, but my addictive behavior got the best of me. 

Addictive behavior is very scary. I honestly wish I was really aware of it when I was growing up and while in my relationship. I knew I had a problem honestly but didn’t ever want to acknowledge it. 

If you know you do something constantly and to an extreme, it can be anything, realize it now and see if you can stop or cut way back. Otherwise see a doctor to help you. It can save your life. Even if you notice this about a friend, bring it to their or someone close to them’s attention.  

It can take a lot of maturity to realize this, but it can be so rewarding in the end. 

It’s unfortunate I lost my Ex, who probably isn’t a perfect match for me, but I’m glad I realized it now than much later in life. It was a lesson I needed to learn. 

Be aware of what you do as what you can do to prevent it can save you tremendously in the end. 

Tunnel Vision in a Relationship

Everybody has relationships in their lives. Whether a romantic, business or personal (friendship) one, we’ve all had them before and always will, unless you live as a hermit somewhere of course. 

Recently my Ex broke up with me and I felt this could partially be from tunnel vision. Tunnel vision in that she was so focused on one point of our relationship and not the bigger picture, so I think. Now my Ex and I are still friends, we didn’t end negatively, but I have been struggling with life for nearly 18 months for a number of factors. A lot of hardship has been surfacing back to back, something I’ve never dealt with as nobody can prepare for so much at once, and it took a toll on me emotionally, making me feel defeated. This wasn’t the man she fell in love with, but it’s honestly just a dark phase I will pull through. And yes a relationship takes two people, so it’s of course not all my fault but I am partially to blame and definitely take responsibility. But I feel she was so focused on how I am now versus where I will be once things pick up again, which they’re starting to. 

But here lies tunnel vision. 

I know she was so focused on finding a job in order to pay her upcoming hefty student loans, besides the fact we are now long distance after we were together for two years at school, so all this probably clouded her vision. Perhaps she felt the bigger picture couldn’t happen with my current state I’m in, who knows, but I know I would pull through it. It is what it is, she is still a part of my life and that’s what matters to me. I learned a lot and want her to be happy, just like she wants me to be. 

At the same time, I had tunnel vision here. I was only in a negative mentality who acted like there was no way to break out of it. This probably hurt her, putting strain on our relationship. Thinking about it now that’s definitely my issue, I was so stuck in a bad spot. Now I’m doing much better since we split but I still have it a bit. It happens to the best of us, but I know I wasn’t intentionally doing it. 

Now here lies a different type of tunnel vision. 

Tunnel vision in the job market. 

I recently applied for a job, a very different job (non-corporate), for an entrepreneur. This man came off nicely in my first phone interview, although he didn’t let me talk much, which was a sign of tunnel vision right there. He was only happy I had built a nice following on YouTube, but didn’t take notice of anything else. When I had an in-person interview with him, once again he did all the talking. He knows my skills but doesn’t know my work capabilities or me for that matter. A week later he makes me an offer, a very weak one. So I counter and we end up talking on the phone. This time he starts doing all the talking, again, until I stand up for myself and cut him off. I put this man in his place. It felt great as I’m not always one to be like this. During my in-person interview he knocked my schooling and insulted people with mental disorders, two things that really rubbed me the wrong way and I made a mental note of it. Now during this call he says he’s never seen my work before. 

You want to hire me but you’ve never seen my work? Never looked at my huge portfolio?

No, he just saw I was popular on YouTube and watched one video. Great employer, right? 

Tunnel vision. 

As I continue to have a dialogue with this man he ups his offer, still not enough, but keeps putting words in my mouth, saying I’m not capable of things nor want what he wants. Not once did I ever say this. I stood up for myself because I know what I’m worth and nobody is going to talk down to me the way he did. Now I’m no expert at my craft and I’m extremely humble, being fortunate enough to work with many high profile people and companies at a young age, but I know I’m decent at what I do otherwise I wouldn’t have all the opportunities I’ve had. Not to mention I have a Masters and certification, so I must know something, right? The sad thing is that this man is less established than I am, is looking for someone to help establish him, but knocks their credibility. And he told me I’m his favorite applicant, so why insult me?

What kind of businessman is this?

Just texting with him he only reads one sentence out of everything I wrote to him and gets uptight about it. Just a very conceited man too caught up in himself. This wasn’t a man who wanted to know about me, he just wanted to know what I could do for him and that’s it. That’s a negative relationship. 

My point of these stories is that tunnel vision in a relationship can be dangerous. We’re all guilty of it as when we are focused on something that’s usually all we notice. But people who let it constantly cloud their judgment are not people you keep around. 

Now my Ex was somewhat different and it bothers me if she couldn’t see the bigger picture like I assume because she knows I’m a great guy (she told me that), I could be wrong, but this businessman is his own worst enemy. 

It’s great he has a vision, everyone should, but if all you can see is straight and not the bigger picture, you’re going to sink your ship fast. 

If you realize you have bad tunnel vision, step back and take a look at the bigger picture. If you can’t do this then you are going to hurt yourself or someone else. Since my Ex broke up with me I’ve stepped back and realized where I went wrong in our relationship. That’s a mature thing to do. Now I wish I did this sooner and realized how my behavior hurt my Ex, but you can’t change the past, but you can change the future. If an employer or anyone for that matter can’t see your true worth, they’re not worth your time. Now I know I could help this guy tremendously, but he insulted me and never took a true interest in me and that is a deal breaker. 

Is tunnel vision hurting you or others? If so, change now before it’s too late. If you notice someone else has awful tunnel vision, avoid them if you can or let them know. You’ll save yourself from potential toxic situations. 

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.” – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

I hope this can help you or someone you know. 

An Open Letter to My Ex

I love you. 

Yes, I just said that because it’s true. I love my Ex. She broke up with me nearly a month ago and I still love her. I will always love her. I can never hate her. 

Why?

She changed my life. We were together for a little over two years. In that time I learned to give of myself in so many ways. She was my first love. My best friend. My soulmate. 

I learned to care for someone besides myself, which was a big deal. I learned to compromise for others, as much as I let myself at the time, who were important to me. I learned to share. I learned how to be an adult, so I thought. 

You changed my life in many ways. 

You made me happy. You made me feel like a million bucks. You made me feel special and desired, a feeling I aspired for for so long. You gave me strength when I needed it. You made me love. 

I know we had our differences. We came from different backgrounds and I wasn’t sure how to adapt to it. We wanted different things. Even though I may have felt or said things a certain way, what you wanted was always important to me and still is. I was very selfish at times. 

In our second year of our relationship things became very hard for me. So much negativity came into my life I couldn’t handle. I didn’t want to handle it. I didn’t want to face it and became extremely selfish and weak. 

I put pressure on you that nobody deserved. I relied on you for all my happiness. I was now living for you, not myself. I drained you of your happiness because I had none left in me and I stole it from you. I stole your strength. I stole your love. I weakened you and made you unhappy. I failed you. 

I love you. 

I love you because you allowed me to dig deep within myself when I ultimately had no desire to. I really looked deep down and found where I went wrong. I went wrong in so many ways. I became so toxic to not only you, but myself and those who cared about me. I pushed everyone away. I isolated myself. I didn’t want to grow up. I was immature and very childish. I didn’t want to change or grow up. I didn’t want to face the reality of life. 

I rediscovered myself. I made drastic changes. I went cold turkey. I destroyed my immature habits. I became healthy in every sense of the word. I realized I became needy and insecure, someone I know I never was meant to be. I was scared. My emotions took over me, which pushed you away. I was clingy and overbearing because of these sudden insecurities. I lost my confidence in life. I lost the man you fell in love with. 

I’ve since destroyed those fears. I got help. Help to make me strong and how to conquer these toxic feelings that took over me. I brought people back into my life. I surrounded myself with friends and family. I surrounded myself with life. I’ve cried. I’ve felt the pain. It’s made me stronger than I ever was. I give of myself more than ever. I’m aware of when my internal habits surface and how to defeat them. I’m aware of those around me and how to be a better person. I’m mature and continuing to grow positively. 

I’m cleansed. 

I know this because of my attitude now, it wasn’t the attitude from a few weeks ago when I jumped the gun as I was still the old me then. I know this because I gave my mother a very thoughtful gift and she loved it. I cried out of happiness that I finally succeeded to no longer be selfish. My selfishness is gone. The negativity is gone. The fear is gone. The old me is gone. The past is gone. 

The only direction is moving forward. 

I love you. 

I love you because the pain and suffering these past 30-days has opened my eyes and allowed me to become the person I needed to be to succeed. The person I need to be to conquer the future. The man I want to be. The man you’ve always wanted me to be.

I thank you. 

I thank you for all that you’ve done for me. I’m grateful for my experiences with you. I’m thankful for your family who has shown me love in ways I couldn’t imagine. I’m thankful for you. Sometimes you have to lose everything to realize what you had/have. 

You are my best friend. You are the person I love. Whether you love me back anymore is up to you of course, but I will always love you. You made me who I am today. The man I was too scared to become before. I’m beginning to love myself again. 

I’m beginning to be the real me. Who I was meant to be all along. The old me was immature in so many ways. 

I love you with all my heart. I know you know that. I regret I hurt you, but I want you to know I heard you all along. I made mistakes I can’t go back and change.

I changed now to never make those mistakes again. I’m a better person. I not only love you, I love myself and what I’m becoming. 

You’re a beautiful person inside and out. We clicked in so many ways. We balance each other out. Your cute little smirk when the computer camera loaded melted my heart. Your loving and nurturing attitude made me feel blessed. The cute sound you’d make when you wanted a kiss made me excited. The way you held my hand made me feel so close to you. The way you popped my pimples showed me how much you cared. The way you held me and looked into my eyes made me realize how special I am to you.  Your touch filled me with joy in ways I can’t describe. The way you cooked for me, did my laundry when I wasn’t home and overall took care of me showed your true affection. Your desire to improve my life showed me how much I meant to you. I did notice it all, even if it seemed like I didn’t, and it meant the world to me. 

I know you said you’re done. You’re done with the past. I am, too. You deserve happiness and I do, too. You’re happier than ever now. So am I. I know deep down you still care and I do, too. 

I slipped, I fell hard, but this time I picked myself up for real. I know you did, too. 

I’m truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. 

I thank you. 

I love you. 

I’m ready.