Is Breaking Up, Breaking Up?

If you’ve ever been in a serious relationship and unfortunately have been broken up with or broke up with someone, you know it not only hurts buts it’s also very confusing. 

As you know if you’ve been reading my other posts my girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me recently kind of out of the blue. She was my first love and meant the world to me. She still does honestly. She’s one of my best friends. 

Since I’m new to relationships I don’t quite understand it all. A relationship is built on friendship, respect, loyalty, commitment and especially love. So where does this all go when you break up?

My heart doesn’t understand it. I’m a very loving person and give of myself a lot to those I love, probably more than I should, which could be why I hurt so much right now. I don’t understand where all those feelings go? 

I’ve come to terms with us no longer a couple, at least I think so, but the fact we haven’t spoken in over a month really hurts. We would talk everyday. I know we have things going on in our lives, but it was routine for over two years. That routine is gone. It was something I looked forward to everyday and now I can’t. 

Breaking up is almost like going through withdrawals. At least it feels that way to me. I don’t really know how to cope with it. There are days I feel great and days I feel like crap. And I’m always thinking about her, what she’s doing and if she’s ok. Why? Because I care. 

Whether we are still together or not I still care about her. I will always care about her. She’s the one who offered friendship but it doesn’t seem like friendship at all yet. It takes time. 

Time has helped me heal tremendously but I still dwell on her. From the moment I wake up I am anxious/nauseous for a bit wondering if and when we will talk after the “no contact” ends. I’m not the most patient, clearly, but it’s just one of many habits I’ve been working on. 

I know her and I had our differences. I know we wound up wanting different things. I know she did things sometimes that bothered me much like I did things that bothered her. Some you can’t control, like anxiety/depression. I know she suffers from anxiety sometimes and now I have for the last 18 months. It can take over you where you have no control of your emotions. It’s scary, but you just need someone to support you through it. I believe she left me because she no longer could deal with it and it made her unhappy. Do I get it? Yes. Is it fair? Not really. But it happened and that’s life. 

Love is very confusing. It’s addicting. It’s a feeling I desired my whole life and when I got it I cherished it so much. Sometimes it got the best of me. But I’m only human. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for this girl and she knows that. She said I’m a great guy who will make someone very happy one day. It hurts to hear that because I wanted to make her happy as she made me happy. 

But people change. How? I’m not really sure. When I love someone I love them for who they are. I respect them. That’s why even though we had our differences my love for her made me overlook them. We all have our flaws and baggage, that’s what makes us human. 

When I see photos of her now on social media she looks different. She looks great but almost like a stranger. She was never that self confident when we were together. I’m happy she seems to be in a better place, but I feel like I barely know her. It scares me. Here’s someone I fell in love with whom I consider a best friend who is now seeming to be happy without me. It’s hard to understand. How does that love deteriorate over time? Where does it go? Mine stayed, so I think. I still clearly have it. It eats at me multiple times a day everyday. 

I personally don’t understand breaking up. She’s not out of my life completely but it certainly feels that way right now. I don’t get how a switch is flipped and everything created is gone. She wanted to get married one day. It’s now gone. How? Love is so confusing. Breaking up makes no sense. One person just stops trying and it’s heartbreaking. 

Is breaking up, breaking up? 

To be honest, I don’t know. I would say yes but you can’t always break a piece of this person off in your heart unless they do something so negative to you. 

I love this girl and I always will. She’s done so much positive for me and the breakup made me realize I needed to change to be a better person. I’ve done a ton of soul searching since. I’ve been healing but it’s a very hard process. It’s like a death but they’re clearly still living, but without you. It’s hard to fathom. 

If you’re recovering from a breakup, try not to be vengeful. Try and understand why they did what they did. Perhaps they’re lost and need to rediscover themselves. Realize why this happened as it did for a reason. You probably will learn from it. I did tremendously. It’s an uphill battle but you have to keep moving forward, even when your legs get tired. 

Breakups suck but they help you grow as a person. 

I wish you the best. 

Letting Go is Harder Than You Know

You know I’ve never been one to cope well with loss, but who is? 

A death in the family or of a friend is very hard to deal with as you’ll never see them again, but you have that closure knowing this. 

However, what about someone who is still alive? 

To me this is even more difficult because both of your lives go on, just without each other. 

Yes this is another article about my Ex, but I had an even bigger wake up call today. Today I reached out to her to let her know I found a job thinking she’d be happy for me, she was, how genuine it was I’m not sure. I went on to apologize to her for all that transpired and we spoke briefly. She was distant and a little cold because she said she’s just so emotionally detached. I have become somewhat detached but not 100% until now. 

I loved this girl. I’d do anything for her and we were together almost 2.5 years, we even lived together. I never abused her, cheated on her or did anything malicious. I just simply got borderline depressed when shit hit the fan in my life and she couldn’t handle it anymore. So why would she be cold and distant?

Yes our relationship ended, but it was built on friendship so I thought? She was uncomfortable in our conversation and ended it because I was talking to her emotionally I guess? Me being open and honest is emotional apparently and I’m supposed to talk to her some other way? I don’t know how else to talk to someone I care about whether I’m dating them or just a friend. I just naturally treat people of all ages the same and then go above and beyond for those I love. 

Losing someone who is dear to you while they’re living is so challenging. There’s always that “what if” question because they’re still doing their thing, but without you. At least with a death you know it’s over, but knowing they’re alive seems that much harder to me. 

I will always wonder what she’s doing, who she is dating, how her life is going and what have you. Granted we are connected on social media but still. There’s that “what if” mentality like “what if we were still together now?” or “what if I messaged her, how would she reply?” and whatever other questions. 

It’s really hard to just let go. 

Letting go is so hard and I mean so hard. I was her third boyfriend while she was my first, so of course it’s harder for me. But losing people important to me hurts. No matter the circumstance. A guy I considered a really good friend stabbed me in the back in grad school. People change. They teach you things in life then disappear. Some may stick around but not many do sadly. 

Just beware of those you let into your life. They are there to learn from you and vice versa. They come into your life for a reason. You may not see it now but you will eventually. 

So what exactly does it mean to let go? It’s the ability to move on 100%. Cut off contact, whether they’re dead or alive. Never have the desire to see them again. This is easier said than done. 

It’s like a gaping hole you can’t close. You want to just talk to them but you can’t, or you shouldn’t, so you just start living your life without them. If they truly meant something to you it’s hard to not think about them. They created memories with you. Good and bad. They created a chapter in your life. 

When my Ex broke up with me I took extra time away to heal. It helped me but I learned today I wasn’t fully healed. After my encounter with her tonight I will really be able to heal as whatever I was holding onto is gone. It’s a shame. It’s scary. And it’s really sad. When you invest time into someone and they disappear, it really hurts. But when they act a certain way you realize they probably weren’t worth it or they got what they needed and moved on. 

People are interesting creatures. They really are. I often wonder what makes certain people tick. You think you know someone then they totally surprise you, good or bad. But that’s life. We encounter these people everyday. You’ll continue to do this until the day you disappear from the planet. Just go in with both eyes open, you’ll learn a lot. 

When it comes to letting go, just take it a day at a time. Cherish the good with the bad. Don’t hold grudges. My Ex pissed me off tonight but I’m not going to paint her negatively. I cherish all she did for me. I hope she finds happiness honestly. But just work on yourself. Heal yourself with things you enjoy whether hobbies or people who make you happy. Time heals all wounds, just be patient. I’ll be doing this myself now. Just be grateful for the time you had with them and realize what you learned along the way. 

What is a True Friend?

What is it? 

All of us have friends and I’m sure have many. I would say I have many acquaintances, but only a handful of real true friends. 

Your true friends are the loyal, caring ones who are always there for you. They may live in another state or country and you may not even talk to or see them that often, but they will check up on you out of the blue and always be there to listen when you need it. 

They will want to know the most boring things about you, like what you ate for breakfast. They will make conversation out of nothing because they just enjoy your presence. 

Your true friends will reach out to you when they’re in the bathroom doing their business. They don’t care. Why? Because true friends don’t judge you and know you don’t judge them. 

True friends accept you for you and don’t care about your flaws or baggage. They are the ones willing to unpack it for you. 

A true friend won’t leave you when you’re down. Instead they stand there and give you a hard time, encouraging you that you’re better and can get back up. 

A true friend loves you. Love is a strong word. And it’s only given to those special in their life. Even if they don’t come out and say it, a true friend has a place for you in their heart. 

True friends are hard to find just like true love is. You may be head over heels for someone but as soon as you fall hard they bounce. That’s not true love. True love sticks with you no matter what because they love you for you. True love welcomes you with open arms, no matter how difficult you may be. 

A true friend loves you unconditionally. 

A true friend protects you. If someone talks negatively about you or says something rude to you, they chime in. They don’t allow anything bad to happen to you and when you’re mistreated they have an issue with it. 

A true friend has your best interest in mind. They will always look out for you and think of you. 

They will stay up with you at all hours of the night. They will make sure you’re healthy and doing okay. They will make sure you’re in a good place no matter what. They will make you come before them. 

If your friends don’t fit these standards then they may not be a true friend. They may be on the verge of becoming one though. If a new friend shows these qualities you have a keeper. But the only time to tell who really is there to stay is when things get hard. If they stick around, they’re a true friend. If not, they were only there when it was convenient.

Be aware of those you let into your life, they may just make a difference. Those who leave, learn from them and know their time came and went. Don’t be bitter, they’re just lost. 

Tell your true friends you love them. They love you. 

The Gift of Soul Searching

How well do you know yourself?

Honestly. 

Do you really know yourself? 

If you say yes I’m going to say I don’t believe you. 

Why?

Well, you may think you know yourself but I bet you don’t know everything. Relating back to my Tunnel Vision post, have you stepped back and realized how you are, how you’re acting and if you’re truly healthy?

If so, great, but how often do you do this?

It wasn’t until recently that I did this probably for the first time. Life is like a one way street, you can’t go back, only forwards and sometimes life just passes us by as we roll along each day. You don’t stop to take in everything around you and where you are currently.  

You should, honestly. 

I know I’ve mentioned my past relationship with my Ex that recently ended quite a lot, but I’ve learned so much from it. 

I learned how to soul search. 

Soul searching is extremely powerful. It only works when you’re absolutely honest and open with yourself. Losing my Ex has been one of the hardest things to cope with. It’s even harder because it’s not a death in the family, she’s still alive and well (I wish her nothing but the best) and she’s moving on with her life without me. It’s really hard as we were together for 2.5 years and I loved/cherished them through the good and bad. 

But when she broke up with me my world turned upside down. But it also opened my eyes. I didn’t blame her for anything, and yes we are both guilty for problems in a relationship, but I looked at myself. I knew what physical changes I can make instantly, and those were beneficial, but I also started to look within. Now this won’t happen overnight, it can take days, weeks or months, maybe even years. But I’ve really dug deep and realized everywhere I went wrong. It takes maturity to be honest with yourself and realize your flaws. 

And now I’m working on changing all those habits and traits I had, that I can control, so my next partner won’t have to deal with them and neither will I. 

I feel cleansed and much stronger/healthier than ever. It’s unfortunate I had to learn the hard way but sometimes that’s what it takes. I needed shock value. 

So if you’re in a situation in life, perhaps any type of relationship, stop what you’re doing and take a look within. Are you happy? Are you being your true self? Are there things about you that you can change now that perhaps are hurting you or someone else?

Be honest with yourself. 

It’s one of the best things you could ever do, trust me. Like I said we just move through time and don’t always stop to realize where we are or how we are. Our self worth and dignity are important. Don’t forget about you. You’re just as important. 

I did and it hurt me. I give of myself to those I care about so much but I can easily lose track of myself while doing this. And it happened in my relationship. 

Take a moment right now to analyze yourself and your current situation. Just take a few minutes. You won’t regret it. 

Cost of Burning Bridges

Sometimes in life you come across someone who just rubs you the wrong way, perhaps is disloyal and totally burns you on something. 

We’ve all been there, if not, props to you. I’ve been there…many times. 

As you read my blogs you probably notice a lot of the same topics come up and that’s because they really inspired this website. 

Over the years I’ve been in situations where either I’ve burned a bridge with someone or they burned one with me. It’s really something I don’t like to do as I don’t like to have enemies, nobody does, but some people you just have to cut off. 

In grad school I didn’t care for many people in my program as they were very cocky for my tastes, me being a humble guy, and I only made friends with my now Ex-girlfriend and a handful of people. 

One of the guys I bonded with seemed like a wonderful guy. Very innocent, more innocent than me, but we got a long so well because we were similar in many ways. We wound up working on our thesis together and it wasn’t til the week before graduation that he decided to burn me on it. He removed me from the project and wouldn’t communicate with me because he had major tunnel vision from being so stressed out. He’s very unorganized and last minute. I don’t think he ever received his degree but I’m not sure, I just know I got mine before him. I had to work my ass off to cover my ass to make sure I graduated on time. I couldn’t believe he did this to me when I was so good to him. My Ex would even cook for him when we had meetings. It really puts a bad taste in my mouth just thinking about it. He even blocked me on Facebook, very immature. He burned a bridge with me, but it taught me a lesson on not being so trusting so easily. 

Fast forward almost a year. 

My Ex of 2.5 years breaks up with me. One of the most devastating things I’ve ever dealt with. We do the “No Contact” and I end up breaking it out of emotional fear of her removing photos of us and she breaks it off officially with no desire for reconciliation. I’m heartbroken, still am. The fact we haven’t spoken since I’m writing this hurts, but it’s a healing process. She kept me on social media because we want to be friends, we don’t hate each other, just a number of factors split us. Now I respect her for not burning a bridge with me because I consider her one of my best friends whom I of course still love dearly. She meant the world to me for the past 2.5 years. I’m grateful she kept me around because losing her 100% would’ve made it that much more painful. Not to mention she’s still connected to majority of my family and I hers. It’s a respect thing because we loved each other’s families. Our situation shows a mature way to handle differences between the two  

Now fast forward a week or two. 

I end up dealing with a horrid entrepreneur. If you read my “Tunnel Vision in a Relationship” post you know about this guy. This guy wanted to hire me, loved me, supposedly offered me more money than any of his other applicants, but it was still practically minimum wage when he wanted me to perform at least five jobs.  Not to mention he barely took an interest in me because he knew nothing about me and never let me talk. He was so conceited he insulted my education and people with mental disorders when he told me he doesn’t want to work with people (referred to a different applicant) who had to see a psychiatrist every week. So when I inquired more in depth with this guy about him and his company he was extremely vague and put words in my mouth. So I decided to write a negative review about him on a job board site. I submitted it but decided shortly after to delete it. This guy did burn a bridge with me due to the very unprofessional way he acts. I blocked his number so I don’t hear from him ever again, even if he decides to come back to me after he realizes his other applicants can’t do the job. 

So yeah I had bad karma there for a minute, but something told me to remove it as the best revenge is success. Not that I mean to be vengeful, but I want him to learn the hard way that because of his ignorance he missed out on a great candidate. 

If you have enemies, don’t burn a bridge. Let them make a fool of themselves and learn why they are the way they are. Don’t stoop to their level. As tempting as it is to make them “suffer” don’t do it. Be the bigger person as what comes around goes around. In the end you’ll be rewarded. You never know if these people could help you with something down the line as well. I’m not a religious or superstitious person, but people come into your life for a reason. They’re teaching you something. Learn from their mistakes and actions. Don’t hold grudges, just forgive them and accept them for who they are. They’re their own worst enemy. If you can show you’re stronger than your enemies by accepting they’ll be so much better off. And you’ll honestly become a better person in the end. 

Dangers of Addictive Behavior

Addiction is a very scary thing. I’m sure everyone faces some form of addiction in their life. I don’t mean just drugs or alcohol, some people shop a lot, work too much, love too much and much more. 

I know I do. 

I’m a straight edge guy, but addictive behavior runs in my family. 

My mother is obsessed with cleaning and saving money. Her brother is addicted to conning people and drugs, we don’t associate with him anymore. Her sister is addicted to shopping and Botox. I can probably go on and on. 

Addiction is scary. You feel like you’re trapped.

I suffer from it. In my last post I spoke about my addiction to collecting. I would spend money constantly on toys as it would give me a quick fix of happiness then I’d never open them. This would drive my Ex wild as she was very tight with her money and was fearful I wouldn’t know how to save. Now I always bought her things and took her out on dates constantly, so please don’t think I disregarded her. I just had no concept of money. 

I also would get obsessed with Internet drama in the toy community as I had become an influencer. Everyday I’d be on my second Facebook for my followers than my personal account…that’s sad. I became addicted to YouTube because I had become successful there, so it was routine to upload new content every week, multiple times a week. 

And lastly I truly believe I’m addicted to my Ex. This is considered addictive love where you constantly dwell on what your partner or Ex is doing, etc. My Ex was my very first love. I was very late to the relationship game because I wasn’t confident until I met her. Now I fell hard for this girl. She gave me a chance and there were several things about her background/desires that concerned me but I looked past them because I’m not perfect either and I loved her, baggage and all. She took my virginity and ultimately made me a happy person. There’s pretty much nothing I wouldn’t do for her. We were so happy together in college that our second year we decided to get an apartment as we hated our roommates, we lived in the same dorm building. She would cook for me, we’d do laundry together, her dog was with us and we had our own living space. We did everything together honestly, I felt we were married. Because of this I became comfortable, which was bad. I put on weight, got lazy and became cluttered (I’m an organized guy). At school we each only had like five friends if that and not many had cars, so her and I did everything together. And honestly I loved it because my parents are similar, it’s what I’m used to. 

When I became in a funk after graduating I really relied on her for my happiness and she did her best to motivate me, I just wasn’t having it. Then a lot of hardship like deaths in the family surfaced. Then I eventually moved back home and was hoping she’d come with me, but her financial situation caused her to go home (we’re from different states). So I built a fear we wouldn’t be together and it eventually cost me my relationship.

Now that we are broken up I dwell on her. We’ve remained friends on social media. She deleted every photo of us, which broke my heart and caused me to break our “no contact” rule and she broke it off permanently then. I was heartbroken but I’ve been doing a lot of self improvement to overcome all my habits. But I do still dwell on her. I constantly check her social media to see what she’s doing while I give her space to heal. This girl has meant everything to me the past 2.5 years and she ultimately became my world, which is why she felt I was overbearing I’m sure. All I wanted to do was be the best boyfriend I could be as her past ones were a-holes, and her family adored me, but my addictive behavior got the best of me. 

Addictive behavior is very scary. I honestly wish I was really aware of it when I was growing up and while in my relationship. I knew I had a problem honestly but didn’t ever want to acknowledge it. 

If you know you do something constantly and to an extreme, it can be anything, realize it now and see if you can stop or cut way back. Otherwise see a doctor to help you. It can save your life. Even if you notice this about a friend, bring it to their or someone close to them’s attention.  

It can take a lot of maturity to realize this, but it can be so rewarding in the end. 

It’s unfortunate I lost my Ex, who probably isn’t a perfect match for me, but I’m glad I realized it now than much later in life. It was a lesson I needed to learn. 

Be aware of what you do as what you can do to prevent it can save you tremendously in the end. 

The Toxicity of Forums

I’m sure at some point you’ve joined a forum, whether a legit forum website or Facebook group revolving around a topic. It’s great because you meet people with a common interest. 

It’s not always great. 

Growing up I had a passion for collecting toys, it was something I never grew out of until recently because it became toxic. I collected for so long because I built a web series on YouTube about it and it blew up for me. So my sudden “internet fame” if you want to even go there excited me, and it led to a lot of great opportunities over the years, but it took over my life. 

I became so engrossed in everything. People of all ages would comment on my videos, mostly kids and teens due to the subject matter, I’m only 25 by the way, and sometimes would write negative things out of jealousy. I had become an influencer in my community. And when people were negative, it bothered me because I always do my best to treat everyone nicely. But I got so caught up in the comments and had no self control when it came to replying. 

Now I know you’re just feeding the bullies when you reply as they want a rise out of you, but it didn’t matter as I was so engrossed. Eventually I made a second Facebook for my followers so I can interact with them daily and more personally. Now this was a great idea at the time as I made a lot of online friends, but this too took over my life. I joined and created groups revolving around collecting and people were always so opinionated. 

Sometimes people would knock a product of a company who sponsored me and I, with no self control sometimes, felt the need to stick my nose in. Then I’d get caught up in dumb internet drama with people I didn’t know and it would sometimes put me in a bad mood. I guess I felt I had to be the hero, but there was no reward for it. I was well respected because of my reputation but that’s not the point. 

My Ex would constantly encourage me not to respond, and sometimes I’d listen, but most of the time I wouldn’t. Plus I felt the need to outdo these people when they found a new toy and I had to run all over town to find it. 

When I look back at this behavior I don’t know where it came from, but it’s pretty sad. I spent money constantly and my Ex, family and friends told me to stop but I wouldn’t. I was addicted. 

When my Ex broke up with me I realized all this and just went cold turkey. I deactivated my second Facebook as I didn’t need that drama in my life as well as stopped spending money on toys. 

Since my Ex broke up with me I have been researching about relationships and how to resolve what I’ve been going through and what it means and such as she was my first. I became confused and joined a few Relationship forums to express my feelings and get help. 

Well, I feel now like I’m going backwards. It’s great to get help, but just the other day I realized what do these people really know if they’re also on here everyday? Sure they have experience, but they’re also probably bitter and just as broken as I am. How can they honestly help me? Everyone tells you something different and they also don’t know my Ex, they’re just basing their opinion on how I explained my situation. And once again people would get bitter with me if I didn’t want to listen. Some people were extremely harsh and while my emotions are down right now I really can’t handle that. Then people would start yelling at each other for telling me different things. 

It’s awful. 

I’ve been so confused about it all that I’m just going to go with my gut, which is what I should do to begin with. 

My point of this post is that it’s great to find people you can share in a hobby with online, but don’t join a forum. There’s no repercussions online. People can say and act however they want and honestly they can be very bitter people who are lost and looking to vent/complain to those who will listen. I’m guilty. 

But as I’ve said in my other posts, I’m starting to take a step back and realize what I’m doing and the harm of it. The only person I should listen to is my therapist who has no real opinion on the situation as she’s only there to listen versus my friends and family who will just protect me. 

If you or someone you know is getting caught up in a forum or internet drama, take a step back and see how it’s impacting your life. It might be driving you crazy and you don’t realize it anymore because you’re so deep into it and obsessed. One of the best things I did after losing my Ex was deactivating my second Facebook. I felt a huge weight lifted. 

And if you are first thinking of joining a forum, keep this in mind as it may be a regret down the line. 

Now I have nothing truly against forums, I just think they’re a place where negativity harvests as you interact with all kinds of people. 

Be cautious. 

Losing Makes You A Winner

If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts you’ve probably noticed I’ve been through a lot lately. 

I have. 

But I’m not here to tell you all my life problems. You can read most in the other posts, but nobody is here for that, at least I don’t think.  

Everybody has problems. It would be selfish of me to throw all mine at you. 

Anyway, have I mentioned I’ve been through a lot lately?

I have and it sucks. 

Life isn’t easy. Growing up life wasn’t that hard for me. I was spoiled being an only, not a spoiled brat but spoiled, good at school, landed some great opportunities and built a nice following on social media. But there definitely were hardships along the way. 

Death is always a hard one. I lost almost all of my grandparents growing up as well as dogs and other relatives. People come and go, that’s life and we chug through it. I’m very sad they left my life so young but that’s out of my control. 

In one of my other posts I mentioned the past 18 months have been very hard for me. A lot of hardship hit me at once and continues to as I write this. I felt I became somewhat depressed, can’t tell if I actually got there as I have my good and bad days, but I developed a slight anxiety and felt defeated. Not to mention my girlfriend of 2.5 years recently broke up with me with no desire to reconcile and my dog died. A lot of loss with those I care deeply about and it hurts. It’s a lot to grieve at once. Not to mention I’m struggling to land a job, but I know I’m not the only millennial going through that. 

Do you feel sorry for me? Probably, and I thank you for that if you do, but that’s not the purpose of this post, although it inspired it. 

During all this negativity I took a huge hit. Now I’ve been a pretty confident guy growing up, wasn’t confident with women until a few years ago, but my confidence took a huge hit when I graduated grad school as a professor made me feel like absolute garbage and almost cost me getting my Masters degree. I’ve been a great student my whole life so it rocked me hard. 

But I learned a lot through all my losses. And I feel I’m slowly becoming a winner. 

Life works in mysterious ways. 

It really does. 

Sometimes you literally have to lose everything, or close to it as I haven’t literally lost everything, to realize what you have. Like the saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone,” or however it goes. 

It’s true. 

When you feel you’ve been knocked down, and I mean really down and you can’t get up, you learn not only about life but also yourself. 

These past 18 months I’ve learned so much. I’ve learned plenty about myself. I realized how immature I was in my relationship, and I was very good to my girlfriend so don’t get me wrong, but I was very childish about things. I also had horrible habits that were toxic. Not to mention struggling to land a full time job for so long has taught me to be appreciative for any job and the “crappy” jobs people take to survive. I learned how to stand up to people who don’t believe in my self worth, which was big for me as I don’t like to talk down to others. I also learned that people come into your life to teach you things, without my breakup I probably would still have the horrible habits and isolation I created. 

I’ve honestly been very humbled. I’ve always considered myself a humble guy but all these experiences really humbled me, I mean really. I don’t even look at people the same anymore and I’m more aware of people who are not humbled than ever before. I’ve always been appreciative and polite, but I’ve realized how to be grateful for everything. Not to judge people or how they are. If someone treats you poorly accept it, of course don’t put up with it, but don’t stoop to their level. Realize why they are the way they are and learn from it. 

So when life brings you down, and it will at some point I’m sure, realize you’re being taught a lesson.

I’m not a religious type but I feel everything in life happens for a reason. 

For example, as I continue to write this post I just came home at 1am from being with my friends and I turned on the TV. What’s on? It happened to be a preacher talking about the importance of being a true, caring, loyal friend and how many people are just fair weather friends in that they only are there for you when it’s convenient versus always being there for you. 

I was honestly blown away that of all topics for me to turn my TV onto, and my TV is always set to NBC as I only watch the Tonight Show before bed, was the importance of being a true friend. 

This blew me away because although my Ex and I broke up, I still want to be the person I always was to her (better of course), even if we are no longer together because that’s how I am with the people I love and consider my best friends. This just really spoke to me and I’m not the Jesus type guy at all. I was meant to catch the last few minutes of this scripture tonight. 

Things are happening to teach you how to be a better person. So even though you may feel like a loser, you’re really being prepared to be a winner. 

Just be aware of everything going on around you as you are being spoken to in the most subtle ways. 

Do you think I wanted to lose my girlfriend of 2.5 years? No way in hell. I loved that girl and still do. Honestly she taught me a lot about life and I’ve become a better person during and after the relationship. When I took a step back and realized what happened I also realized I became a better person from it. 

Like I mentioned in a previous post, if you can avoid tunnel vision and look at the bigger picture you can learn a lot and realize you’re learning these lessons to become a better person. 

So next time you get knocked down, get up and look at why this is happening, as hard as it may be. When the smoke clears do this. You’ll truly reward yourself in the end. 

Tunnel Vision in a Relationship

Everybody has relationships in their lives. Whether a romantic, business or personal (friendship) one, we’ve all had them before and always will, unless you live as a hermit somewhere of course. 

Recently my Ex broke up with me and I felt this could partially be from tunnel vision. Tunnel vision in that she was so focused on one point of our relationship and not the bigger picture, so I think. Now my Ex and I are still friends, we didn’t end negatively, but I have been struggling with life for nearly 18 months for a number of factors. A lot of hardship has been surfacing back to back, something I’ve never dealt with as nobody can prepare for so much at once, and it took a toll on me emotionally, making me feel defeated. This wasn’t the man she fell in love with, but it’s honestly just a dark phase I will pull through. And yes a relationship takes two people, so it’s of course not all my fault but I am partially to blame and definitely take responsibility. But I feel she was so focused on how I am now versus where I will be once things pick up again, which they’re starting to. 

But here lies tunnel vision. 

I know she was so focused on finding a job in order to pay her upcoming hefty student loans, besides the fact we are now long distance after we were together for two years at school, so all this probably clouded her vision. Perhaps she felt the bigger picture couldn’t happen with my current state I’m in, who knows, but I know I would pull through it. It is what it is, she is still a part of my life and that’s what matters to me. I learned a lot and want her to be happy, just like she wants me to be. 

At the same time, I had tunnel vision here. I was only in a negative mentality who acted like there was no way to break out of it. This probably hurt her, putting strain on our relationship. Thinking about it now that’s definitely my issue, I was so stuck in a bad spot. Now I’m doing much better since we split but I still have it a bit. It happens to the best of us, but I know I wasn’t intentionally doing it. 

Now here lies a different type of tunnel vision. 

Tunnel vision in the job market. 

I recently applied for a job, a very different job (non-corporate), for an entrepreneur. This man came off nicely in my first phone interview, although he didn’t let me talk much, which was a sign of tunnel vision right there. He was only happy I had built a nice following on YouTube, but didn’t take notice of anything else. When I had an in-person interview with him, once again he did all the talking. He knows my skills but doesn’t know my work capabilities or me for that matter. A week later he makes me an offer, a very weak one. So I counter and we end up talking on the phone. This time he starts doing all the talking, again, until I stand up for myself and cut him off. I put this man in his place. It felt great as I’m not always one to be like this. During my in-person interview he knocked my schooling and insulted people with mental disorders, two things that really rubbed me the wrong way and I made a mental note of it. Now during this call he says he’s never seen my work before. 

You want to hire me but you’ve never seen my work? Never looked at my huge portfolio?

No, he just saw I was popular on YouTube and watched one video. Great employer, right? 

Tunnel vision. 

As I continue to have a dialogue with this man he ups his offer, still not enough, but keeps putting words in my mouth, saying I’m not capable of things nor want what he wants. Not once did I ever say this. I stood up for myself because I know what I’m worth and nobody is going to talk down to me the way he did. Now I’m no expert at my craft and I’m extremely humble, being fortunate enough to work with many high profile people and companies at a young age, but I know I’m decent at what I do otherwise I wouldn’t have all the opportunities I’ve had. Not to mention I have a Masters and certification, so I must know something, right? The sad thing is that this man is less established than I am, is looking for someone to help establish him, but knocks their credibility. And he told me I’m his favorite applicant, so why insult me?

What kind of businessman is this?

Just texting with him he only reads one sentence out of everything I wrote to him and gets uptight about it. Just a very conceited man too caught up in himself. This wasn’t a man who wanted to know about me, he just wanted to know what I could do for him and that’s it. That’s a negative relationship. 

My point of these stories is that tunnel vision in a relationship can be dangerous. We’re all guilty of it as when we are focused on something that’s usually all we notice. But people who let it constantly cloud their judgment are not people you keep around. 

Now my Ex was somewhat different and it bothers me if she couldn’t see the bigger picture like I assume because she knows I’m a great guy (she told me that), I could be wrong, but this businessman is his own worst enemy. 

It’s great he has a vision, everyone should, but if all you can see is straight and not the bigger picture, you’re going to sink your ship fast. 

If you realize you have bad tunnel vision, step back and take a look at the bigger picture. If you can’t do this then you are going to hurt yourself or someone else. Since my Ex broke up with me I’ve stepped back and realized where I went wrong in our relationship. That’s a mature thing to do. Now I wish I did this sooner and realized how my behavior hurt my Ex, but you can’t change the past, but you can change the future. If an employer or anyone for that matter can’t see your true worth, they’re not worth your time. Now I know I could help this guy tremendously, but he insulted me and never took a true interest in me and that is a deal breaker. 

Is tunnel vision hurting you or others? If so, change now before it’s too late. If you notice someone else has awful tunnel vision, avoid them if you can or let them know. You’ll save yourself from potential toxic situations. 

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.” – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

I hope this can help you or someone you know. 

An Open Letter to My Ex

I love you. 

Yes, I just said that because it’s true. I love my Ex. She broke up with me nearly a month ago and I still love her. I will always love her. I can never hate her. 

Why?

She changed my life. We were together for a little over two years. In that time I learned to give of myself in so many ways. She was my first love. My best friend. My soulmate. 

I learned to care for someone besides myself, which was a big deal. I learned to compromise for others, as much as I let myself at the time, who were important to me. I learned to share. I learned how to be an adult, so I thought. 

You changed my life in many ways. 

You made me happy. You made me feel like a million bucks. You made me feel special and desired, a feeling I aspired for for so long. You gave me strength when I needed it. You made me love. 

I know we had our differences. We came from different backgrounds and I wasn’t sure how to adapt to it. We wanted different things. Even though I may have felt or said things a certain way, what you wanted was always important to me and still is. I was very selfish at times. 

In our second year of our relationship things became very hard for me. So much negativity came into my life I couldn’t handle. I didn’t want to handle it. I didn’t want to face it and became extremely selfish and weak. 

I put pressure on you that nobody deserved. I relied on you for all my happiness. I was now living for you, not myself. I drained you of your happiness because I had none left in me and I stole it from you. I stole your strength. I stole your love. I weakened you and made you unhappy. I failed you. 

I love you. 

I love you because you allowed me to dig deep within myself when I ultimately had no desire to. I really looked deep down and found where I went wrong. I went wrong in so many ways. I became so toxic to not only you, but myself and those who cared about me. I pushed everyone away. I isolated myself. I didn’t want to grow up. I was immature and very childish. I didn’t want to change or grow up. I didn’t want to face the reality of life. 

I rediscovered myself. I made drastic changes. I went cold turkey. I destroyed my immature habits. I became healthy in every sense of the word. I realized I became needy and insecure, someone I know I never was meant to be. I was scared. My emotions took over me, which pushed you away. I was clingy and overbearing because of these sudden insecurities. I lost my confidence in life. I lost the man you fell in love with. 

I’ve since destroyed those fears. I got help. Help to make me strong and how to conquer these toxic feelings that took over me. I brought people back into my life. I surrounded myself with friends and family. I surrounded myself with life. I’ve cried. I’ve felt the pain. It’s made me stronger than I ever was. I give of myself more than ever. I’m aware of when my internal habits surface and how to defeat them. I’m aware of those around me and how to be a better person. I’m mature and continuing to grow positively. 

I’m cleansed. 

I know this because of my attitude now, it wasn’t the attitude from a few weeks ago when I jumped the gun as I was still the old me then. I know this because I gave my mother a very thoughtful gift and she loved it. I cried out of happiness that I finally succeeded to no longer be selfish. My selfishness is gone. The negativity is gone. The fear is gone. The old me is gone. The past is gone. 

The only direction is moving forward. 

I love you. 

I love you because the pain and suffering these past 30-days has opened my eyes and allowed me to become the person I needed to be to succeed. The person I need to be to conquer the future. The man I want to be. The man you’ve always wanted me to be.

I thank you. 

I thank you for all that you’ve done for me. I’m grateful for my experiences with you. I’m thankful for your family who has shown me love in ways I couldn’t imagine. I’m thankful for you. Sometimes you have to lose everything to realize what you had/have. 

You are my best friend. You are the person I love. Whether you love me back anymore is up to you of course, but I will always love you. You made me who I am today. The man I was too scared to become before. I’m beginning to love myself again. 

I’m beginning to be the real me. Who I was meant to be all along. The old me was immature in so many ways. 

I love you with all my heart. I know you know that. I regret I hurt you, but I want you to know I heard you all along. I made mistakes I can’t go back and change.

I changed now to never make those mistakes again. I’m a better person. I not only love you, I love myself and what I’m becoming. 

You’re a beautiful person inside and out. We clicked in so many ways. We balance each other out. Your cute little smirk when the computer camera loaded melted my heart. Your loving and nurturing attitude made me feel blessed. The cute sound you’d make when you wanted a kiss made me excited. The way you held my hand made me feel so close to you. The way you popped my pimples showed me how much you cared. The way you held me and looked into my eyes made me realize how special I am to you.  Your touch filled me with joy in ways I can’t describe. The way you cooked for me, did my laundry when I wasn’t home and overall took care of me showed your true affection. Your desire to improve my life showed me how much I meant to you. I did notice it all, even if it seemed like I didn’t, and it meant the world to me. 

I know you said you’re done. You’re done with the past. I am, too. You deserve happiness and I do, too. You’re happier than ever now. So am I. I know deep down you still care and I do, too. 

I slipped, I fell hard, but this time I picked myself up for real. I know you did, too. 

I’m truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. 

I thank you. 

I love you. 

I’m ready.