Is Heartbreak Worse Than Death?

Now the title may raise a lot of controversy or it may not at all, but it’s something I’ve been coping with for almost two months now. 

Is heartbreak worse than death?

You might be saying to yourself, “is this guy crazy?”

Perhaps I am. To be honest after my recent breakup I have gone a bit crazy. The moment my Ex left my life a part of me died. This girl wanted to marry me and build a future with me. We were practically married as we lived together for several years and basically did a lot of things married couples do. I loved it and thought she did, too. 

So how could I come up with such a statement?

I never really thought of it until I vented to one of my best friends. He asked me if coping would be easier if she was dead and I said yes honestly. I’d know she was gone forever and not seeing anyone else, but I’d never ever wish that on her. She deserves to be happy. But I’ve lost a lot of people in my life at a young age. I’ve lost all but one of my grandparents. I’ve lost several dogs back home while I was away at college and grad school. I’ve lost many relatives and I’m only 25 years old. Losing family is extremely hard, so don’t get me wrong. Not being able to say goodbye is awful. 

But. 

When someone passes away, you never see them again. Perhaps in an afterlife if you believe in that, which would be fantastic, but you know right there that these people are gone…forever. You will NEVER see them again during your lifetime. Their journey in our world has ended. All you can do is grieve and cherish the memories you have. 

You can do the same with a heartbreak, BUT they are still alive. Their life is going on…without you. You can see them happy without you (unless you’ve blocked them) and you can see them living without you. Just before you were told they wanted to spend their life with you. They wanted to have children, start a family, build a house, travel with you, get a dog and the whole nine yards…now you see them doing that without you. Perhaps they will do that with someone else. It’s so hard to witness and even think about. 

Earlier I said I’ve gone crazy after my breakup. Yeah I honestly have. I’ve had panic attacks, I’ve had major anxiety issues I’ve never ever encountered in my entire life, I’ve had emotional breakdowns out of nowhere. I started to see a therapist, something I never thought I’d ever need. You just live your life empty. A part of you is just gone. Everything reminds you of your partner. It could be music, seeing their car driving by, even just going to the grocery store. I literally see my Ex’s type of car everywhere, it drives me crazy. Everything is a mind game. You can’t really control your mind. You can fight your mind but you can’t control it. I could be shopping with my family and suddenly have a flashback of my Ex and I going to the store. It’s awful. 

It’s grief. It’s the grieving process. 

I’ve cried myself to sleep sometimes almost two months later. She seems to have moved on. Even told me she’s so over it and doing amazing. All of that just tears at your heartstrings. 

Heartbreak is honestly one of the hardest and worst feelings I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. I know how to cope with death but I honestly have no idea how to cope with heartbreak, especially my first. Why? Because it’s so confusing. You’re left in the dark only assuming you know what went wrong but you really don’t know and you can’t understand it. You just feel lost and betrayed. I’m terrified of even investing in someone new emotionally right now. I literally put myself into this relationship thinking I’d never ever have to find someone else. But now I do. I’m not going to be a hermit as I’ve always wanted a life partner. I treat my partner very well, I’m certainly not perfect for obvious reasons but I really give of myself to those I care about. To fully invest in someone for many years only for them to leave you unexpectedly is awful. I can only imagine what a divorce is like…I hope I never ever have to experience that. 

Perhaps my Ex came into my life to prepare me for the right person. I know my Ex wasn’t the best match but I loved her for who she was. I was addicted to our love as she meant so much to me and still does. She’s treated me like crap in the end, but I can’t see her for that. Love is blinding. But a part of me will always love her for all that she did for me. She gave me a chance. 

The light at the end of the tunnel is that had this not happened I would’ve never broken my bad habits and start healthier ones. Looking back she would do things sometimes that annoyed me and I’m sure I did stuff too. Nobody is perfect. But I overlooked a lot of things as I wanted to give us a chance. 

If you’re going through heartbreak I’m sorry. It’s such an awful feeling. My Ex seems to be immune to it as I was her third. She told me she couldn’t feel a certain way because she was emotionally scarred from her past, which is extremely hard to comprehend when you’re an emotional person. I still don’t get it and never will. I can tell you things will get better. They will. You can choose to let it eat at you or move on. I am doing both. I can’t just cut her off. It’s impossible no matter how many people tell you that you can. Love doesn’t just vanish in my opinion. Your Ex may say they’re over it but I doubt it. Honestly. You can’t love someone for years and get over it in a day. My Ex still looks at my SnapChats, so I know she is holding onto something. She also hasn’t unfollowed me on anything. Just stay positive if you can. Vent to friends and family. Check out Relationship.net, I’ve met some interesting people there that has helped a bit. Just don’t isolate yourself. You will grieve. If you have to cry then cry. Don’t be ashamed. Know someone better is waiting. 

So, do you feel heartbreak is worse than death? Are they similar? Not even close?

I’m curious your opinion. Let me know in the comments if you’d like. It’s just something deep to think about. 

The Person You Love is NOT the Person You Know

If you’ve ever been in a breakup with someone or divorced, etc. you probably realized that your Ex is no longer the person you fell in love with however long ago. 

If you haven’t been in this situation props to you, but it is something to keep in mind. They say you don’t know your partner until you break up or get married. 

As you know by now if you’ve read all my posts, my Ex broke up with me after we were together 2.5 years. We lived together, talked about getting married and everything. Well she broke up with me a month ago and we did no contact and such. I extended it as I felt I wasn’t healed yet. 

So I reached out to her the other day to tell her I landed a job. She was nice about it. Then I went on to apologize for breaking the no contact and she was kind of mean and short. She was somewhat distant as well. It bothered me and it hurts. She offered friendship when we broke up, so I figured ok after a month she’ll cool down and we can start being friends. 

Wrong. 

Apparently according to her it will take more than a couple months to be friends…about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Yes we are coming off a fresh, long relationship but we had a very good friendship. I am never one to act differently towards people I really care about, so I was warm towards her and it made her fear I thought we would have another chance, which is true I did, so it bothered her a lot. What I don’t get at all is where the foundation you built over many years suddenly goes, especially when you didn’t do anything negative to her. It’s sad. 

So I decided to do some homework on this. And it’s a little eye opening. After a breakup the dumpee is usually delusional about a lot of things. An article I found was spot on. My Ex seems so happy without me as she’s now wearing makeup and working out way more than she did when we were together. Not to mention she’s way over our relationship supposedly. 

In one of the articles I read it said that the person your Ex was during your relationship has passed away and a new soul has taken over their body. They may look the same, but they’re not the same person inside. And this makes a lot of sense the more I think about it, but it’s also really sad. It talked about how during your relationship your partner will act differently as they want to be in their best form and adopt to the way you are and vise versa. So when you breakup and they move on, that form of them vanishes. That’s not how I am necessarily. What changed about me are all the negative traits I came to acknowledge after my relationship that are now gone, but my attitude towards her isn’t changed. I would never suddenly be disrespectful to someone I loved for over 2 years, that’s just not in my nature. 

If you notice this about your Ex it’s a really rude awakening. They may be mean or the total opposite of who they were. You just feel like asking them “who are you?” It’s kind of scary. If you cheated or abused them that’s a different story, but when you just split over something minor and they act different it really hurts. You feel like you’re walking on egg shells. And I don’t know how else to talk to her than how I always did. She wants me to not be emotional when I speak to her, but I’m just a kind person. She was my first love so it’s a huge learning experience for me. I just don’t get how someone can change so drastically. You may even feel like they never really loved you, but that’s most likely not true. Especially if your relationship lasts for a long time. So don’t put that in your head. They wouldn’t last with you as long as they did if they didn’t have any feelings for you. 

And remember a relationship is a two way street. If they get on the sidewalk and go another way that’s on them. You may never understand their reasoning, I know I won’t, but you have to accept it and respect their wishes. Especially if you want to have a friendship eventually. Letting go is the hardest part and seeing the person you loved turn into someone else is heartbreaking. But their true colors came out and that’s who they really are. You just have to accept them for who they are and decide if they’re still worth keeping around. 

If you haven’t gotten to this point, and I hope you never do, take a good look at your partner and ask yourself if they’re really the person you think they are and someone you’d like to spend your life with.  

So take a deep breath and relax. People change for the better or worse. They may try and tackle their insecurities while separated. Just wish them well, be the bigger person and do your best to move on, as hard as it is. And remember they came into your life to teach you something, even if you don’t realize it now, they did much like you taught them something. 

Life works in mysterious ways. It really does. You may never truly understand it but you’re learning along the way. Just keep on keep in’ on. 

Learning to Love Yourself

If there’s anything I learned from my recent breakup it was the fact I stopped loving myself. 

My Ex became my world. She was my first love and I thought it was natural to put her first. We were happy together for the longest time, I think so at least. We moved in together after a year, then later moved into a second apartment together. We even discussed getting married and looked at houses and what not. I thought I found my life partner and so did she for the longest time. But I put her on a pedestal as she meant so much to me, perhaps blinding me to her flaws. 

Let’s put it this way, I learned my lesson for my next relationship. Although the thought of another relationship right now scares me. 

I’m scared because I don’t understand why my Ex left me. I do to an extent but the fact she’s lost all sympathy for me and doesn’t like talking to me much anymore really hurts. We didn’t split maliciously, I never did anything to her intentionally. We became long distance after we both finished school as we are from different states and that perhaps was a deciding factor for her. But she has a ton of baggage and skeletons in her closet that would’ve made a future very tough as we come from two different lifestyles. I did learn a lot from her though over the years. She has helped make me a better person. 

But as I said I really lost track of myself. I had my hobbies I enjoyed but they were toxic to me, just spending money on stuff I didn’t need and getting upset with idiots on the internet, so it bothered her. I’ve since cut those hobbies off as they were toxic to me, but now I need to find new hobbies. It’s hard. These old hobbies were a big part of my life at one point. But this breakup has made me do a lot of soul searching. 

I’ve started to love myself again a bit, not fully as I’m so not used to being alone anymore, but it’s helping. I’m eating better and exercising to lose weight. I’m selling my collection I spent so much money on so I can put it into savings. And I landed a full time job finally. So there are a lot of positive things coming into my life, but I need to really love myself again. 

I used to love myself a lot. I was so used to being single and made the most of it. When I met my Ex we clicked and things went from 0 to 100 really fast. This was a desire I’ve had all my life so it really became my world when I had it. That’s why losing it is so hard to comprehend. But I need to get back to that point again. 

To be honest, I don’t want to be there again. Being single again is scary. I had a partner for 2.5 years, so to feel this way again is weird. But I’m in a much better place now than I was. My lifestyle is healthier and this is what I need to come to terms with. My life can only go up from here. My Ex clearly wasn’t right for me and it’s unfortunate because I do care about her but she helped turn me into the right person. 

I need to invest time in myself. I need to find what makes me happy. What makes me healthy. What makes me motivated to cease the day everyday. So that way I can attract the right partner this time. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. This is the advice I’ve been told numerous times and have come across online. It’s hard to understand right now but it’s true. If you’re not your own person how can someone else love you?

So if you’re in this situation. Invest time in yourself. Don’t jump into another relationship to fill the void as clearly you’re not ready and will hurt yourself and your partner. The right person will come along eventually. Just spend time with friends and family and most of all, yourself. You have to be happy with you first. This will take time, trust me, I’m going through it right now myself. Wake up everyday happy, thankful for where you are and how far you’ve come and remember there’s better things waiting for you. 

Why Does Being Single Again Feel So Weird?

As you know, if you like my blog, my girlfriend broke up with me recently after being together 2.5 years. It devastated me, which is why it inspires so many posts. 

Anyway, I was 23 when I met my Ex. She was my first love. Was she the perfect match? Clearly not, but she took off my training wheels and taught me a lot. I still love her and am thankful for all she did for me. We didn’t end negatively thankfully and are trying to create a friendship out of it. Good luck, right? I want it, but I’m not sure yet if she does. 

You’re probably thinking, “Wow he was 23 when he met his first love?” 

Yeah. 

I was a wimp. I’ve loved girls since I can remember. I had my first crush in 6th grade. Never had the balls to ask her out. In high school I chased girls I barely knew, basically just crushes. I never had a date to Homecoming or Prom, although I did ask someone to Homecoming once but someone beat me to it. I just wasn’t confident then. 

In college I had my first kiss with one of my best friends. I had the hots for her since I met her but she was always dating these random, dumb guys until one day she decided she had a crush on me. So I of course was head over heels excited. We made out a few times I think? Then I got super clingy and she said I was moving too fast and broke it off. I was devastated. But I didn’t know from anything. Then towards the end of college I started having feelings for a girl who was a lipstick lesbian. Her and I hung out all the time and one night she told me she was gay. I was taken aback but I was supportive. We wound up going to grad school together. I eventually ditched her once I met my Ex and her (lesbian friend’s) girlfriend was getting jealous I was hanging with her so much so it was time to cut ties. 

So finally in grad school I met my Ex. I wasn’t so sure I liked her but something told me to try. One night I kissed her, it just came over me, and she was so happy. Her and I would hang out all the time after her roommate introduced us. My Ex’s roomies would never hang with me but apparently had a crush on me so I’m told. So my Ex and I kicked things off. We moved in together the following year and it was great. Then I graduated and moved back in with her when she continued her last year. Then we moved back to our families homes in separate states after she graduated and then a month later she broke up with me. 

I still hurt because I loved her so much. I know we weren’t a perfect fit but we did everything together. There were a lot of differences between us, like financially and future aspirations, so it was hard. But I really overlooked a lot of it to see if we could make it work. Apparently she couldn’t as my sudden depression due to a ton of hardship with my family took over me and she called it quits. 

But I have so many questions going through my head. We were supposed to get married? She said I was the love of her life? We picked out types of houses we liked? We decided how many kids and dogs we wanted? Where did that all go? 

You’re not the only one who feels this way. I think about that every day. I don’t know where it went but there’s one thing I do know. 

I’m single again. 

I don’t like it. 

My Ex and I were practically married. We lived together, went grocery shopping, paid bills and the whole nine yards. I loved it, through the good and bad. I was in heaven. You know, because it took me 23 years to get to this point. And we went from 0 to 100 really fast, I figured we were meant to be. She thought so for awhile. I did too. 

Well being single feels crappy. It feels crappy because I don’t have my partner. That addictive feeling you get from having a partner who loves you is inexplicable. To go from that to nothing is like going cold turkey. I’m having withdrawals. I’m doing better each day but it’s a very lonely feeling. 

It’s also a lonely feeling because I isolated myself. All my friends did this when they started dating. When you meet a potential partner everything else gets pushed aside. It’s not a good thing but it happens. You become obsessed. 

Fortunately for me I’ve been able to rekindle all my friendships back home as well as my best friends from college. My best friends from college live in different states so they’ll never go away. My friends here could’ve. They’re not used to me being home anymore. Neither am I. I feel like an immigrant as I haven’t lived at home for almost six years. 

Being single feels weird because I don’t know how to be alone anymore. Part of this is my fault as I made my Ex my world. I was so used to us being together 24/7. I loved it and craved it. Now I don’t even know how to entertain myself. My friends all work, I do freelance work while I continue to hunt for a full-time job (the job market is frustrating), so I can’t even see them really til the weekends. My dad is job hunting so I’m just home with him while my mom works. 

At night I watch TV with my parents because I don’t like the feeling of being alone in my room. It scares me honestly. I have a fear of being alone in life and it’s all too realistic right now. 

The dumb thing though is that I’m not alone.

I have friends. I have family. I will have a new dog soon. But I feel alone. I feel so single. 

What I don’t realize is that now I can explore myself and I have been. When my Ex broke up with me it motivated me to make a ton of positive lifestyle changes. And I have. I’m walking over four miles, eating better, socializing and whatever else. 

So even though being single feels really weird and lonely, you feel like you can’t function in life anymore, look at everything around you. You’re not alone, you’re choosing to feel alone. I know and hate the feeling as much as the next person. Hell I see people from high school getting married and having kids while I just had my first breakup. Go figure. Surround yourself with friends and family. Get out and discover new hobbies. Make life changes. While you’re single you can become a better person, don’t make the same mistakes again. 

I’m terrified of finding a new partner right now, starting over and investing in someone new. It’s intimidating. But if you keep that mentality and don’t put yourself out there you’ll never meet anyone. 

Don’t be your own worst enemy. 

Make the best of it. I know it sucks. I’m in that situation, but I know all of this is making me a much better, stronger, healthier person. 

“The hardest walk you can make is alone. But it’s the walk that will make you stronger.”

Hang in there, it’ll be worth the wait!