As you know, if you like my blog, my girlfriend broke up with me recently after being together 2.5 years. It devastated me, which is why it inspires so many posts.
Anyway, I was 23 when I met my Ex. She was my first love. Was she the perfect match? Clearly not, but she took off my training wheels and taught me a lot. I still love her and am thankful for all she did for me. We didn’t end negatively thankfully and are trying to create a friendship out of it. Good luck, right? I want it, but I’m not sure yet if she does.
You’re probably thinking, “Wow he was 23 when he met his first love?”
Yeah.
I was a wimp. I’ve loved girls since I can remember. I had my first crush in 6th grade. Never had the balls to ask her out. In high school I chased girls I barely knew, basically just crushes. I never had a date to Homecoming or Prom, although I did ask someone to Homecoming once but someone beat me to it. I just wasn’t confident then.
In college I had my first kiss with one of my best friends. I had the hots for her since I met her but she was always dating these random, dumb guys until one day she decided she had a crush on me. So I of course was head over heels excited. We made out a few times I think? Then I got super clingy and she said I was moving too fast and broke it off. I was devastated. But I didn’t know from anything. Then towards the end of college I started having feelings for a girl who was a lipstick lesbian. Her and I hung out all the time and one night she told me she was gay. I was taken aback but I was supportive. We wound up going to grad school together. I eventually ditched her once I met my Ex and her (lesbian friend’s) girlfriend was getting jealous I was hanging with her so much so it was time to cut ties.
So finally in grad school I met my Ex. I wasn’t so sure I liked her but something told me to try. One night I kissed her, it just came over me, and she was so happy. Her and I would hang out all the time after her roommate introduced us. My Ex’s roomies would never hang with me but apparently had a crush on me so I’m told. So my Ex and I kicked things off. We moved in together the following year and it was great. Then I graduated and moved back in with her when she continued her last year. Then we moved back to our families homes in separate states after she graduated and then a month later she broke up with me.
I still hurt because I loved her so much. I know we weren’t a perfect fit but we did everything together. There were a lot of differences between us, like financially and future aspirations, so it was hard. But I really overlooked a lot of it to see if we could make it work. Apparently she couldn’t as my sudden depression due to a ton of hardship with my family took over me and she called it quits.
But I have so many questions going through my head. We were supposed to get married? She said I was the love of her life? We picked out types of houses we liked? We decided how many kids and dogs we wanted? Where did that all go?
You’re not the only one who feels this way. I think about that every day. I don’t know where it went but there’s one thing I do know.
I’m single again.
I don’t like it.
My Ex and I were practically married. We lived together, went grocery shopping, paid bills and the whole nine yards. I loved it, through the good and bad. I was in heaven. You know, because it took me 23 years to get to this point. And we went from 0 to 100 really fast, I figured we were meant to be. She thought so for awhile. I did too.
Well being single feels crappy. It feels crappy because I don’t have my partner. That addictive feeling you get from having a partner who loves you is inexplicable. To go from that to nothing is like going cold turkey. I’m having withdrawals. I’m doing better each day but it’s a very lonely feeling.
It’s also a lonely feeling because I isolated myself. All my friends did this when they started dating. When you meet a potential partner everything else gets pushed aside. It’s not a good thing but it happens. You become obsessed.
Fortunately for me I’ve been able to rekindle all my friendships back home as well as my best friends from college. My best friends from college live in different states so they’ll never go away. My friends here could’ve. They’re not used to me being home anymore. Neither am I. I feel like an immigrant as I haven’t lived at home for almost six years.
Being single feels weird because I don’t know how to be alone anymore. Part of this is my fault as I made my Ex my world. I was so used to us being together 24/7. I loved it and craved it. Now I don’t even know how to entertain myself. My friends all work, I do freelance work while I continue to hunt for a full-time job (the job market is frustrating), so I can’t even see them really til the weekends. My dad is job hunting so I’m just home with him while my mom works.
At night I watch TV with my parents because I don’t like the feeling of being alone in my room. It scares me honestly. I have a fear of being alone in life and it’s all too realistic right now.
The dumb thing though is that I’m not alone.
I have friends. I have family. I will have a new dog soon. But I feel alone. I feel so single.
What I don’t realize is that now I can explore myself and I have been. When my Ex broke up with me it motivated me to make a ton of positive lifestyle changes. And I have. I’m walking over four miles, eating better, socializing and whatever else.
So even though being single feels really weird and lonely, you feel like you can’t function in life anymore, look at everything around you. You’re not alone, you’re choosing to feel alone. I know and hate the feeling as much as the next person. Hell I see people from high school getting married and having kids while I just had my first breakup. Go figure. Surround yourself with friends and family. Get out and discover new hobbies. Make life changes. While you’re single you can become a better person, don’t make the same mistakes again.
I’m terrified of finding a new partner right now, starting over and investing in someone new. It’s intimidating. But if you keep that mentality and don’t put yourself out there you’ll never meet anyone.
Don’t be your own worst enemy.
Make the best of it. I know it sucks. I’m in that situation, but I know all of this is making me a much better, stronger, healthier person.
“The hardest walk you can make is alone. But it’s the walk that will make you stronger.”
Hang in there, it’ll be worth the wait!
The Walks of Lyfe 