Is Heartbreak Worse Than Death?

Now the title may raise a lot of controversy or it may not at all, but it’s something I’ve been coping with for almost two months now. 

Is heartbreak worse than death?

You might be saying to yourself, “is this guy crazy?”

Perhaps I am. To be honest after my recent breakup I have gone a bit crazy. The moment my Ex left my life a part of me died. This girl wanted to marry me and build a future with me. We were practically married as we lived together for several years and basically did a lot of things married couples do. I loved it and thought she did, too. 

So how could I come up with such a statement?

I never really thought of it until I vented to one of my best friends. He asked me if coping would be easier if she was dead and I said yes honestly. I’d know she was gone forever and not seeing anyone else, but I’d never ever wish that on her. She deserves to be happy. But I’ve lost a lot of people in my life at a young age. I’ve lost all but one of my grandparents. I’ve lost several dogs back home while I was away at college and grad school. I’ve lost many relatives and I’m only 25 years old. Losing family is extremely hard, so don’t get me wrong. Not being able to say goodbye is awful. 

But. 

When someone passes away, you never see them again. Perhaps in an afterlife if you believe in that, which would be fantastic, but you know right there that these people are gone…forever. You will NEVER see them again during your lifetime. Their journey in our world has ended. All you can do is grieve and cherish the memories you have. 

You can do the same with a heartbreak, BUT they are still alive. Their life is going on…without you. You can see them happy without you (unless you’ve blocked them) and you can see them living without you. Just before you were told they wanted to spend their life with you. They wanted to have children, start a family, build a house, travel with you, get a dog and the whole nine yards…now you see them doing that without you. Perhaps they will do that with someone else. It’s so hard to witness and even think about. 

Earlier I said I’ve gone crazy after my breakup. Yeah I honestly have. I’ve had panic attacks, I’ve had major anxiety issues I’ve never ever encountered in my entire life, I’ve had emotional breakdowns out of nowhere. I started to see a therapist, something I never thought I’d ever need. You just live your life empty. A part of you is just gone. Everything reminds you of your partner. It could be music, seeing their car driving by, even just going to the grocery store. I literally see my Ex’s type of car everywhere, it drives me crazy. Everything is a mind game. You can’t really control your mind. You can fight your mind but you can’t control it. I could be shopping with my family and suddenly have a flashback of my Ex and I going to the store. It’s awful. 

It’s grief. It’s the grieving process. 

I’ve cried myself to sleep sometimes almost two months later. She seems to have moved on. Even told me she’s so over it and doing amazing. All of that just tears at your heartstrings. 

Heartbreak is honestly one of the hardest and worst feelings I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. I know how to cope with death but I honestly have no idea how to cope with heartbreak, especially my first. Why? Because it’s so confusing. You’re left in the dark only assuming you know what went wrong but you really don’t know and you can’t understand it. You just feel lost and betrayed. I’m terrified of even investing in someone new emotionally right now. I literally put myself into this relationship thinking I’d never ever have to find someone else. But now I do. I’m not going to be a hermit as I’ve always wanted a life partner. I treat my partner very well, I’m certainly not perfect for obvious reasons but I really give of myself to those I care about. To fully invest in someone for many years only for them to leave you unexpectedly is awful. I can only imagine what a divorce is like…I hope I never ever have to experience that. 

Perhaps my Ex came into my life to prepare me for the right person. I know my Ex wasn’t the best match but I loved her for who she was. I was addicted to our love as she meant so much to me and still does. She’s treated me like crap in the end, but I can’t see her for that. Love is blinding. But a part of me will always love her for all that she did for me. She gave me a chance. 

The light at the end of the tunnel is that had this not happened I would’ve never broken my bad habits and start healthier ones. Looking back she would do things sometimes that annoyed me and I’m sure I did stuff too. Nobody is perfect. But I overlooked a lot of things as I wanted to give us a chance. 

If you’re going through heartbreak I’m sorry. It’s such an awful feeling. My Ex seems to be immune to it as I was her third. She told me she couldn’t feel a certain way because she was emotionally scarred from her past, which is extremely hard to comprehend when you’re an emotional person. I still don’t get it and never will. I can tell you things will get better. They will. You can choose to let it eat at you or move on. I am doing both. I can’t just cut her off. It’s impossible no matter how many people tell you that you can. Love doesn’t just vanish in my opinion. Your Ex may say they’re over it but I doubt it. Honestly. You can’t love someone for years and get over it in a day. My Ex still looks at my SnapChats, so I know she is holding onto something. She also hasn’t unfollowed me on anything. Just stay positive if you can. Vent to friends and family. Check out Relationship.net, I’ve met some interesting people there that has helped a bit. Just don’t isolate yourself. You will grieve. If you have to cry then cry. Don’t be ashamed. Know someone better is waiting. 

So, do you feel heartbreak is worse than death? Are they similar? Not even close?

I’m curious your opinion. Let me know in the comments if you’d like. It’s just something deep to think about. 

Learning to Love Yourself

If there’s anything I learned from my recent breakup it was the fact I stopped loving myself. 

My Ex became my world. She was my first love and I thought it was natural to put her first. We were happy together for the longest time, I think so at least. We moved in together after a year, then later moved into a second apartment together. We even discussed getting married and looked at houses and what not. I thought I found my life partner and so did she for the longest time. But I put her on a pedestal as she meant so much to me, perhaps blinding me to her flaws. 

Let’s put it this way, I learned my lesson for my next relationship. Although the thought of another relationship right now scares me. 

I’m scared because I don’t understand why my Ex left me. I do to an extent but the fact she’s lost all sympathy for me and doesn’t like talking to me much anymore really hurts. We didn’t split maliciously, I never did anything to her intentionally. We became long distance after we both finished school as we are from different states and that perhaps was a deciding factor for her. But she has a ton of baggage and skeletons in her closet that would’ve made a future very tough as we come from two different lifestyles. I did learn a lot from her though over the years. She has helped make me a better person. 

But as I said I really lost track of myself. I had my hobbies I enjoyed but they were toxic to me, just spending money on stuff I didn’t need and getting upset with idiots on the internet, so it bothered her. I’ve since cut those hobbies off as they were toxic to me, but now I need to find new hobbies. It’s hard. These old hobbies were a big part of my life at one point. But this breakup has made me do a lot of soul searching. 

I’ve started to love myself again a bit, not fully as I’m so not used to being alone anymore, but it’s helping. I’m eating better and exercising to lose weight. I’m selling my collection I spent so much money on so I can put it into savings. And I landed a full time job finally. So there are a lot of positive things coming into my life, but I need to really love myself again. 

I used to love myself a lot. I was so used to being single and made the most of it. When I met my Ex we clicked and things went from 0 to 100 really fast. This was a desire I’ve had all my life so it really became my world when I had it. That’s why losing it is so hard to comprehend. But I need to get back to that point again. 

To be honest, I don’t want to be there again. Being single again is scary. I had a partner for 2.5 years, so to feel this way again is weird. But I’m in a much better place now than I was. My lifestyle is healthier and this is what I need to come to terms with. My life can only go up from here. My Ex clearly wasn’t right for me and it’s unfortunate because I do care about her but she helped turn me into the right person. 

I need to invest time in myself. I need to find what makes me happy. What makes me healthy. What makes me motivated to cease the day everyday. So that way I can attract the right partner this time. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. This is the advice I’ve been told numerous times and have come across online. It’s hard to understand right now but it’s true. If you’re not your own person how can someone else love you?

So if you’re in this situation. Invest time in yourself. Don’t jump into another relationship to fill the void as clearly you’re not ready and will hurt yourself and your partner. The right person will come along eventually. Just spend time with friends and family and most of all, yourself. You have to be happy with you first. This will take time, trust me, I’m going through it right now myself. Wake up everyday happy, thankful for where you are and how far you’ve come and remember there’s better things waiting for you. 

Why Does Being Single Again Feel So Weird?

As you know, if you like my blog, my girlfriend broke up with me recently after being together 2.5 years. It devastated me, which is why it inspires so many posts. 

Anyway, I was 23 when I met my Ex. She was my first love. Was she the perfect match? Clearly not, but she took off my training wheels and taught me a lot. I still love her and am thankful for all she did for me. We didn’t end negatively thankfully and are trying to create a friendship out of it. Good luck, right? I want it, but I’m not sure yet if she does. 

You’re probably thinking, “Wow he was 23 when he met his first love?” 

Yeah. 

I was a wimp. I’ve loved girls since I can remember. I had my first crush in 6th grade. Never had the balls to ask her out. In high school I chased girls I barely knew, basically just crushes. I never had a date to Homecoming or Prom, although I did ask someone to Homecoming once but someone beat me to it. I just wasn’t confident then. 

In college I had my first kiss with one of my best friends. I had the hots for her since I met her but she was always dating these random, dumb guys until one day she decided she had a crush on me. So I of course was head over heels excited. We made out a few times I think? Then I got super clingy and she said I was moving too fast and broke it off. I was devastated. But I didn’t know from anything. Then towards the end of college I started having feelings for a girl who was a lipstick lesbian. Her and I hung out all the time and one night she told me she was gay. I was taken aback but I was supportive. We wound up going to grad school together. I eventually ditched her once I met my Ex and her (lesbian friend’s) girlfriend was getting jealous I was hanging with her so much so it was time to cut ties. 

So finally in grad school I met my Ex. I wasn’t so sure I liked her but something told me to try. One night I kissed her, it just came over me, and she was so happy. Her and I would hang out all the time after her roommate introduced us. My Ex’s roomies would never hang with me but apparently had a crush on me so I’m told. So my Ex and I kicked things off. We moved in together the following year and it was great. Then I graduated and moved back in with her when she continued her last year. Then we moved back to our families homes in separate states after she graduated and then a month later she broke up with me. 

I still hurt because I loved her so much. I know we weren’t a perfect fit but we did everything together. There were a lot of differences between us, like financially and future aspirations, so it was hard. But I really overlooked a lot of it to see if we could make it work. Apparently she couldn’t as my sudden depression due to a ton of hardship with my family took over me and she called it quits. 

But I have so many questions going through my head. We were supposed to get married? She said I was the love of her life? We picked out types of houses we liked? We decided how many kids and dogs we wanted? Where did that all go? 

You’re not the only one who feels this way. I think about that every day. I don’t know where it went but there’s one thing I do know. 

I’m single again. 

I don’t like it. 

My Ex and I were practically married. We lived together, went grocery shopping, paid bills and the whole nine yards. I loved it, through the good and bad. I was in heaven. You know, because it took me 23 years to get to this point. And we went from 0 to 100 really fast, I figured we were meant to be. She thought so for awhile. I did too. 

Well being single feels crappy. It feels crappy because I don’t have my partner. That addictive feeling you get from having a partner who loves you is inexplicable. To go from that to nothing is like going cold turkey. I’m having withdrawals. I’m doing better each day but it’s a very lonely feeling. 

It’s also a lonely feeling because I isolated myself. All my friends did this when they started dating. When you meet a potential partner everything else gets pushed aside. It’s not a good thing but it happens. You become obsessed. 

Fortunately for me I’ve been able to rekindle all my friendships back home as well as my best friends from college. My best friends from college live in different states so they’ll never go away. My friends here could’ve. They’re not used to me being home anymore. Neither am I. I feel like an immigrant as I haven’t lived at home for almost six years. 

Being single feels weird because I don’t know how to be alone anymore. Part of this is my fault as I made my Ex my world. I was so used to us being together 24/7. I loved it and craved it. Now I don’t even know how to entertain myself. My friends all work, I do freelance work while I continue to hunt for a full-time job (the job market is frustrating), so I can’t even see them really til the weekends. My dad is job hunting so I’m just home with him while my mom works. 

At night I watch TV with my parents because I don’t like the feeling of being alone in my room. It scares me honestly. I have a fear of being alone in life and it’s all too realistic right now. 

The dumb thing though is that I’m not alone.

I have friends. I have family. I will have a new dog soon. But I feel alone. I feel so single. 

What I don’t realize is that now I can explore myself and I have been. When my Ex broke up with me it motivated me to make a ton of positive lifestyle changes. And I have. I’m walking over four miles, eating better, socializing and whatever else. 

So even though being single feels really weird and lonely, you feel like you can’t function in life anymore, look at everything around you. You’re not alone, you’re choosing to feel alone. I know and hate the feeling as much as the next person. Hell I see people from high school getting married and having kids while I just had my first breakup. Go figure. Surround yourself with friends and family. Get out and discover new hobbies. Make life changes. While you’re single you can become a better person, don’t make the same mistakes again. 

I’m terrified of finding a new partner right now, starting over and investing in someone new. It’s intimidating. But if you keep that mentality and don’t put yourself out there you’ll never meet anyone. 

Don’t be your own worst enemy. 

Make the best of it. I know it sucks. I’m in that situation, but I know all of this is making me a much better, stronger, healthier person. 

“The hardest walk you can make is alone. But it’s the walk that will make you stronger.”

Hang in there, it’ll be worth the wait!

Is Breaking Up, Breaking Up?

If you’ve ever been in a serious relationship and unfortunately have been broken up with or broke up with someone, you know it not only hurts buts it’s also very confusing. 

As you know if you’ve been reading my other posts my girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me recently kind of out of the blue. She was my first love and meant the world to me. She still does honestly. She’s one of my best friends. 

Since I’m new to relationships I don’t quite understand it all. A relationship is built on friendship, respect, loyalty, commitment and especially love. So where does this all go when you break up?

My heart doesn’t understand it. I’m a very loving person and give of myself a lot to those I love, probably more than I should, which could be why I hurt so much right now. I don’t understand where all those feelings go? 

I’ve come to terms with us no longer a couple, at least I think so, but the fact we haven’t spoken in over a month really hurts. We would talk everyday. I know we have things going on in our lives, but it was routine for over two years. That routine is gone. It was something I looked forward to everyday and now I can’t. 

Breaking up is almost like going through withdrawals. At least it feels that way to me. I don’t really know how to cope with it. There are days I feel great and days I feel like crap. And I’m always thinking about her, what she’s doing and if she’s ok. Why? Because I care. 

Whether we are still together or not I still care about her. I will always care about her. She’s the one who offered friendship but it doesn’t seem like friendship at all yet. It takes time. 

Time has helped me heal tremendously but I still dwell on her. From the moment I wake up I am anxious/nauseous for a bit wondering if and when we will talk after the “no contact” ends. I’m not the most patient, clearly, but it’s just one of many habits I’ve been working on. 

I know her and I had our differences. I know we wound up wanting different things. I know she did things sometimes that bothered me much like I did things that bothered her. Some you can’t control, like anxiety/depression. I know she suffers from anxiety sometimes and now I have for the last 18 months. It can take over you where you have no control of your emotions. It’s scary, but you just need someone to support you through it. I believe she left me because she no longer could deal with it and it made her unhappy. Do I get it? Yes. Is it fair? Not really. But it happened and that’s life. 

Love is very confusing. It’s addicting. It’s a feeling I desired my whole life and when I got it I cherished it so much. Sometimes it got the best of me. But I’m only human. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for this girl and she knows that. She said I’m a great guy who will make someone very happy one day. It hurts to hear that because I wanted to make her happy as she made me happy. 

But people change. How? I’m not really sure. When I love someone I love them for who they are. I respect them. That’s why even though we had our differences my love for her made me overlook them. We all have our flaws and baggage, that’s what makes us human. 

When I see photos of her now on social media she looks different. She looks great but almost like a stranger. She was never that self confident when we were together. I’m happy she seems to be in a better place, but I feel like I barely know her. It scares me. Here’s someone I fell in love with whom I consider a best friend who is now seeming to be happy without me. It’s hard to understand. How does that love deteriorate over time? Where does it go? Mine stayed, so I think. I still clearly have it. It eats at me multiple times a day everyday. 

I personally don’t understand breaking up. She’s not out of my life completely but it certainly feels that way right now. I don’t get how a switch is flipped and everything created is gone. She wanted to get married one day. It’s now gone. How? Love is so confusing. Breaking up makes no sense. One person just stops trying and it’s heartbreaking. 

Is breaking up, breaking up? 

To be honest, I don’t know. I would say yes but you can’t always break a piece of this person off in your heart unless they do something so negative to you. 

I love this girl and I always will. She’s done so much positive for me and the breakup made me realize I needed to change to be a better person. I’ve done a ton of soul searching since. I’ve been healing but it’s a very hard process. It’s like a death but they’re clearly still living, but without you. It’s hard to fathom. 

If you’re recovering from a breakup, try not to be vengeful. Try and understand why they did what they did. Perhaps they’re lost and need to rediscover themselves. Realize why this happened as it did for a reason. You probably will learn from it. I did tremendously. It’s an uphill battle but you have to keep moving forward, even when your legs get tired. 

Breakups suck but they help you grow as a person. 

I wish you the best. 

Letting Go is Harder Than You Know

You know I’ve never been one to cope well with loss, but who is? 

A death in the family or of a friend is very hard to deal with as you’ll never see them again, but you have that closure knowing this. 

However, what about someone who is still alive? 

To me this is even more difficult because both of your lives go on, just without each other. 

Yes this is another article about my Ex, but I had an even bigger wake up call today. Today I reached out to her to let her know I found a job thinking she’d be happy for me, she was, how genuine it was I’m not sure. I went on to apologize to her for all that transpired and we spoke briefly. She was distant and a little cold because she said she’s just so emotionally detached. I have become somewhat detached but not 100% until now. 

I loved this girl. I’d do anything for her and we were together almost 2.5 years, we even lived together. I never abused her, cheated on her or did anything malicious. I just simply got borderline depressed when shit hit the fan in my life and she couldn’t handle it anymore. So why would she be cold and distant?

Yes our relationship ended, but it was built on friendship so I thought? She was uncomfortable in our conversation and ended it because I was talking to her emotionally I guess? Me being open and honest is emotional apparently and I’m supposed to talk to her some other way? I don’t know how else to talk to someone I care about whether I’m dating them or just a friend. I just naturally treat people of all ages the same and then go above and beyond for those I love. 

Losing someone who is dear to you while they’re living is so challenging. There’s always that “what if” question because they’re still doing their thing, but without you. At least with a death you know it’s over, but knowing they’re alive seems that much harder to me. 

I will always wonder what she’s doing, who she is dating, how her life is going and what have you. Granted we are connected on social media but still. There’s that “what if” mentality like “what if we were still together now?” or “what if I messaged her, how would she reply?” and whatever other questions. 

It’s really hard to just let go. 

Letting go is so hard and I mean so hard. I was her third boyfriend while she was my first, so of course it’s harder for me. But losing people important to me hurts. No matter the circumstance. A guy I considered a really good friend stabbed me in the back in grad school. People change. They teach you things in life then disappear. Some may stick around but not many do sadly. 

Just beware of those you let into your life. They are there to learn from you and vice versa. They come into your life for a reason. You may not see it now but you will eventually. 

So what exactly does it mean to let go? It’s the ability to move on 100%. Cut off contact, whether they’re dead or alive. Never have the desire to see them again. This is easier said than done. 

It’s like a gaping hole you can’t close. You want to just talk to them but you can’t, or you shouldn’t, so you just start living your life without them. If they truly meant something to you it’s hard to not think about them. They created memories with you. Good and bad. They created a chapter in your life. 

When my Ex broke up with me I took extra time away to heal. It helped me but I learned today I wasn’t fully healed. After my encounter with her tonight I will really be able to heal as whatever I was holding onto is gone. It’s a shame. It’s scary. And it’s really sad. When you invest time into someone and they disappear, it really hurts. But when they act a certain way you realize they probably weren’t worth it or they got what they needed and moved on. 

People are interesting creatures. They really are. I often wonder what makes certain people tick. You think you know someone then they totally surprise you, good or bad. But that’s life. We encounter these people everyday. You’ll continue to do this until the day you disappear from the planet. Just go in with both eyes open, you’ll learn a lot. 

When it comes to letting go, just take it a day at a time. Cherish the good with the bad. Don’t hold grudges. My Ex pissed me off tonight but I’m not going to paint her negatively. I cherish all she did for me. I hope she finds happiness honestly. But just work on yourself. Heal yourself with things you enjoy whether hobbies or people who make you happy. Time heals all wounds, just be patient. I’ll be doing this myself now. Just be grateful for the time you had with them and realize what you learned along the way. 

The Gift of Soul Searching

How well do you know yourself?

Honestly. 

Do you really know yourself? 

If you say yes I’m going to say I don’t believe you. 

Why?

Well, you may think you know yourself but I bet you don’t know everything. Relating back to my Tunnel Vision post, have you stepped back and realized how you are, how you’re acting and if you’re truly healthy?

If so, great, but how often do you do this?

It wasn’t until recently that I did this probably for the first time. Life is like a one way street, you can’t go back, only forwards and sometimes life just passes us by as we roll along each day. You don’t stop to take in everything around you and where you are currently.  

You should, honestly. 

I know I’ve mentioned my past relationship with my Ex that recently ended quite a lot, but I’ve learned so much from it. 

I learned how to soul search. 

Soul searching is extremely powerful. It only works when you’re absolutely honest and open with yourself. Losing my Ex has been one of the hardest things to cope with. It’s even harder because it’s not a death in the family, she’s still alive and well (I wish her nothing but the best) and she’s moving on with her life without me. It’s really hard as we were together for 2.5 years and I loved/cherished them through the good and bad. 

But when she broke up with me my world turned upside down. But it also opened my eyes. I didn’t blame her for anything, and yes we are both guilty for problems in a relationship, but I looked at myself. I knew what physical changes I can make instantly, and those were beneficial, but I also started to look within. Now this won’t happen overnight, it can take days, weeks or months, maybe even years. But I’ve really dug deep and realized everywhere I went wrong. It takes maturity to be honest with yourself and realize your flaws. 

And now I’m working on changing all those habits and traits I had, that I can control, so my next partner won’t have to deal with them and neither will I. 

I feel cleansed and much stronger/healthier than ever. It’s unfortunate I had to learn the hard way but sometimes that’s what it takes. I needed shock value. 

So if you’re in a situation in life, perhaps any type of relationship, stop what you’re doing and take a look within. Are you happy? Are you being your true self? Are there things about you that you can change now that perhaps are hurting you or someone else?

Be honest with yourself. 

It’s one of the best things you could ever do, trust me. Like I said we just move through time and don’t always stop to realize where we are or how we are. Our self worth and dignity are important. Don’t forget about you. You’re just as important. 

I did and it hurt me. I give of myself to those I care about so much but I can easily lose track of myself while doing this. And it happened in my relationship. 

Take a moment right now to analyze yourself and your current situation. Just take a few minutes. You won’t regret it. 

Cost of Burning Bridges

Sometimes in life you come across someone who just rubs you the wrong way, perhaps is disloyal and totally burns you on something. 

We’ve all been there, if not, props to you. I’ve been there…many times. 

As you read my blogs you probably notice a lot of the same topics come up and that’s because they really inspired this website. 

Over the years I’ve been in situations where either I’ve burned a bridge with someone or they burned one with me. It’s really something I don’t like to do as I don’t like to have enemies, nobody does, but some people you just have to cut off. 

In grad school I didn’t care for many people in my program as they were very cocky for my tastes, me being a humble guy, and I only made friends with my now Ex-girlfriend and a handful of people. 

One of the guys I bonded with seemed like a wonderful guy. Very innocent, more innocent than me, but we got a long so well because we were similar in many ways. We wound up working on our thesis together and it wasn’t til the week before graduation that he decided to burn me on it. He removed me from the project and wouldn’t communicate with me because he had major tunnel vision from being so stressed out. He’s very unorganized and last minute. I don’t think he ever received his degree but I’m not sure, I just know I got mine before him. I had to work my ass off to cover my ass to make sure I graduated on time. I couldn’t believe he did this to me when I was so good to him. My Ex would even cook for him when we had meetings. It really puts a bad taste in my mouth just thinking about it. He even blocked me on Facebook, very immature. He burned a bridge with me, but it taught me a lesson on not being so trusting so easily. 

Fast forward almost a year. 

My Ex of 2.5 years breaks up with me. One of the most devastating things I’ve ever dealt with. We do the “No Contact” and I end up breaking it out of emotional fear of her removing photos of us and she breaks it off officially with no desire for reconciliation. I’m heartbroken, still am. The fact we haven’t spoken since I’m writing this hurts, but it’s a healing process. She kept me on social media because we want to be friends, we don’t hate each other, just a number of factors split us. Now I respect her for not burning a bridge with me because I consider her one of my best friends whom I of course still love dearly. She meant the world to me for the past 2.5 years. I’m grateful she kept me around because losing her 100% would’ve made it that much more painful. Not to mention she’s still connected to majority of my family and I hers. It’s a respect thing because we loved each other’s families. Our situation shows a mature way to handle differences between the two  

Now fast forward a week or two. 

I end up dealing with a horrid entrepreneur. If you read my “Tunnel Vision in a Relationship” post you know about this guy. This guy wanted to hire me, loved me, supposedly offered me more money than any of his other applicants, but it was still practically minimum wage when he wanted me to perform at least five jobs.  Not to mention he barely took an interest in me because he knew nothing about me and never let me talk. He was so conceited he insulted my education and people with mental disorders when he told me he doesn’t want to work with people (referred to a different applicant) who had to see a psychiatrist every week. So when I inquired more in depth with this guy about him and his company he was extremely vague and put words in my mouth. So I decided to write a negative review about him on a job board site. I submitted it but decided shortly after to delete it. This guy did burn a bridge with me due to the very unprofessional way he acts. I blocked his number so I don’t hear from him ever again, even if he decides to come back to me after he realizes his other applicants can’t do the job. 

So yeah I had bad karma there for a minute, but something told me to remove it as the best revenge is success. Not that I mean to be vengeful, but I want him to learn the hard way that because of his ignorance he missed out on a great candidate. 

If you have enemies, don’t burn a bridge. Let them make a fool of themselves and learn why they are the way they are. Don’t stoop to their level. As tempting as it is to make them “suffer” don’t do it. Be the bigger person as what comes around goes around. In the end you’ll be rewarded. You never know if these people could help you with something down the line as well. I’m not a religious or superstitious person, but people come into your life for a reason. They’re teaching you something. Learn from their mistakes and actions. Don’t hold grudges, just forgive them and accept them for who they are. They’re their own worst enemy. If you can show you’re stronger than your enemies by accepting they’ll be so much better off. And you’ll honestly become a better person in the end. 

The Toxicity of Forums

I’m sure at some point you’ve joined a forum, whether a legit forum website or Facebook group revolving around a topic. It’s great because you meet people with a common interest. 

It’s not always great. 

Growing up I had a passion for collecting toys, it was something I never grew out of until recently because it became toxic. I collected for so long because I built a web series on YouTube about it and it blew up for me. So my sudden “internet fame” if you want to even go there excited me, and it led to a lot of great opportunities over the years, but it took over my life. 

I became so engrossed in everything. People of all ages would comment on my videos, mostly kids and teens due to the subject matter, I’m only 25 by the way, and sometimes would write negative things out of jealousy. I had become an influencer in my community. And when people were negative, it bothered me because I always do my best to treat everyone nicely. But I got so caught up in the comments and had no self control when it came to replying. 

Now I know you’re just feeding the bullies when you reply as they want a rise out of you, but it didn’t matter as I was so engrossed. Eventually I made a second Facebook for my followers so I can interact with them daily and more personally. Now this was a great idea at the time as I made a lot of online friends, but this too took over my life. I joined and created groups revolving around collecting and people were always so opinionated. 

Sometimes people would knock a product of a company who sponsored me and I, with no self control sometimes, felt the need to stick my nose in. Then I’d get caught up in dumb internet drama with people I didn’t know and it would sometimes put me in a bad mood. I guess I felt I had to be the hero, but there was no reward for it. I was well respected because of my reputation but that’s not the point. 

My Ex would constantly encourage me not to respond, and sometimes I’d listen, but most of the time I wouldn’t. Plus I felt the need to outdo these people when they found a new toy and I had to run all over town to find it. 

When I look back at this behavior I don’t know where it came from, but it’s pretty sad. I spent money constantly and my Ex, family and friends told me to stop but I wouldn’t. I was addicted. 

When my Ex broke up with me I realized all this and just went cold turkey. I deactivated my second Facebook as I didn’t need that drama in my life as well as stopped spending money on toys. 

Since my Ex broke up with me I have been researching about relationships and how to resolve what I’ve been going through and what it means and such as she was my first. I became confused and joined a few Relationship forums to express my feelings and get help. 

Well, I feel now like I’m going backwards. It’s great to get help, but just the other day I realized what do these people really know if they’re also on here everyday? Sure they have experience, but they’re also probably bitter and just as broken as I am. How can they honestly help me? Everyone tells you something different and they also don’t know my Ex, they’re just basing their opinion on how I explained my situation. And once again people would get bitter with me if I didn’t want to listen. Some people were extremely harsh and while my emotions are down right now I really can’t handle that. Then people would start yelling at each other for telling me different things. 

It’s awful. 

I’ve been so confused about it all that I’m just going to go with my gut, which is what I should do to begin with. 

My point of this post is that it’s great to find people you can share in a hobby with online, but don’t join a forum. There’s no repercussions online. People can say and act however they want and honestly they can be very bitter people who are lost and looking to vent/complain to those who will listen. I’m guilty. 

But as I’ve said in my other posts, I’m starting to take a step back and realize what I’m doing and the harm of it. The only person I should listen to is my therapist who has no real opinion on the situation as she’s only there to listen versus my friends and family who will just protect me. 

If you or someone you know is getting caught up in a forum or internet drama, take a step back and see how it’s impacting your life. It might be driving you crazy and you don’t realize it anymore because you’re so deep into it and obsessed. One of the best things I did after losing my Ex was deactivating my second Facebook. I felt a huge weight lifted. 

And if you are first thinking of joining a forum, keep this in mind as it may be a regret down the line. 

Now I have nothing truly against forums, I just think they’re a place where negativity harvests as you interact with all kinds of people. 

Be cautious. 

Losing Makes You A Winner

If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts you’ve probably noticed I’ve been through a lot lately. 

I have. 

But I’m not here to tell you all my life problems. You can read most in the other posts, but nobody is here for that, at least I don’t think.  

Everybody has problems. It would be selfish of me to throw all mine at you. 

Anyway, have I mentioned I’ve been through a lot lately?

I have and it sucks. 

Life isn’t easy. Growing up life wasn’t that hard for me. I was spoiled being an only, not a spoiled brat but spoiled, good at school, landed some great opportunities and built a nice following on social media. But there definitely were hardships along the way. 

Death is always a hard one. I lost almost all of my grandparents growing up as well as dogs and other relatives. People come and go, that’s life and we chug through it. I’m very sad they left my life so young but that’s out of my control. 

In one of my other posts I mentioned the past 18 months have been very hard for me. A lot of hardship hit me at once and continues to as I write this. I felt I became somewhat depressed, can’t tell if I actually got there as I have my good and bad days, but I developed a slight anxiety and felt defeated. Not to mention my girlfriend of 2.5 years recently broke up with me with no desire to reconcile and my dog died. A lot of loss with those I care deeply about and it hurts. It’s a lot to grieve at once. Not to mention I’m struggling to land a job, but I know I’m not the only millennial going through that. 

Do you feel sorry for me? Probably, and I thank you for that if you do, but that’s not the purpose of this post, although it inspired it. 

During all this negativity I took a huge hit. Now I’ve been a pretty confident guy growing up, wasn’t confident with women until a few years ago, but my confidence took a huge hit when I graduated grad school as a professor made me feel like absolute garbage and almost cost me getting my Masters degree. I’ve been a great student my whole life so it rocked me hard. 

But I learned a lot through all my losses. And I feel I’m slowly becoming a winner. 

Life works in mysterious ways. 

It really does. 

Sometimes you literally have to lose everything, or close to it as I haven’t literally lost everything, to realize what you have. Like the saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone,” or however it goes. 

It’s true. 

When you feel you’ve been knocked down, and I mean really down and you can’t get up, you learn not only about life but also yourself. 

These past 18 months I’ve learned so much. I’ve learned plenty about myself. I realized how immature I was in my relationship, and I was very good to my girlfriend so don’t get me wrong, but I was very childish about things. I also had horrible habits that were toxic. Not to mention struggling to land a full time job for so long has taught me to be appreciative for any job and the “crappy” jobs people take to survive. I learned how to stand up to people who don’t believe in my self worth, which was big for me as I don’t like to talk down to others. I also learned that people come into your life to teach you things, without my breakup I probably would still have the horrible habits and isolation I created. 

I’ve honestly been very humbled. I’ve always considered myself a humble guy but all these experiences really humbled me, I mean really. I don’t even look at people the same anymore and I’m more aware of people who are not humbled than ever before. I’ve always been appreciative and polite, but I’ve realized how to be grateful for everything. Not to judge people or how they are. If someone treats you poorly accept it, of course don’t put up with it, but don’t stoop to their level. Realize why they are the way they are and learn from it. 

So when life brings you down, and it will at some point I’m sure, realize you’re being taught a lesson.

I’m not a religious type but I feel everything in life happens for a reason. 

For example, as I continue to write this post I just came home at 1am from being with my friends and I turned on the TV. What’s on? It happened to be a preacher talking about the importance of being a true, caring, loyal friend and how many people are just fair weather friends in that they only are there for you when it’s convenient versus always being there for you. 

I was honestly blown away that of all topics for me to turn my TV onto, and my TV is always set to NBC as I only watch the Tonight Show before bed, was the importance of being a true friend. 

This blew me away because although my Ex and I broke up, I still want to be the person I always was to her (better of course), even if we are no longer together because that’s how I am with the people I love and consider my best friends. This just really spoke to me and I’m not the Jesus type guy at all. I was meant to catch the last few minutes of this scripture tonight. 

Things are happening to teach you how to be a better person. So even though you may feel like a loser, you’re really being prepared to be a winner. 

Just be aware of everything going on around you as you are being spoken to in the most subtle ways. 

Do you think I wanted to lose my girlfriend of 2.5 years? No way in hell. I loved that girl and still do. Honestly she taught me a lot about life and I’ve become a better person during and after the relationship. When I took a step back and realized what happened I also realized I became a better person from it. 

Like I mentioned in a previous post, if you can avoid tunnel vision and look at the bigger picture you can learn a lot and realize you’re learning these lessons to become a better person. 

So next time you get knocked down, get up and look at why this is happening, as hard as it may be. When the smoke clears do this. You’ll truly reward yourself in the end. 

Tunnel Vision in a Relationship

Everybody has relationships in their lives. Whether a romantic, business or personal (friendship) one, we’ve all had them before and always will, unless you live as a hermit somewhere of course. 

Recently my Ex broke up with me and I felt this could partially be from tunnel vision. Tunnel vision in that she was so focused on one point of our relationship and not the bigger picture, so I think. Now my Ex and I are still friends, we didn’t end negatively, but I have been struggling with life for nearly 18 months for a number of factors. A lot of hardship has been surfacing back to back, something I’ve never dealt with as nobody can prepare for so much at once, and it took a toll on me emotionally, making me feel defeated. This wasn’t the man she fell in love with, but it’s honestly just a dark phase I will pull through. And yes a relationship takes two people, so it’s of course not all my fault but I am partially to blame and definitely take responsibility. But I feel she was so focused on how I am now versus where I will be once things pick up again, which they’re starting to. 

But here lies tunnel vision. 

I know she was so focused on finding a job in order to pay her upcoming hefty student loans, besides the fact we are now long distance after we were together for two years at school, so all this probably clouded her vision. Perhaps she felt the bigger picture couldn’t happen with my current state I’m in, who knows, but I know I would pull through it. It is what it is, she is still a part of my life and that’s what matters to me. I learned a lot and want her to be happy, just like she wants me to be. 

At the same time, I had tunnel vision here. I was only in a negative mentality who acted like there was no way to break out of it. This probably hurt her, putting strain on our relationship. Thinking about it now that’s definitely my issue, I was so stuck in a bad spot. Now I’m doing much better since we split but I still have it a bit. It happens to the best of us, but I know I wasn’t intentionally doing it. 

Now here lies a different type of tunnel vision. 

Tunnel vision in the job market. 

I recently applied for a job, a very different job (non-corporate), for an entrepreneur. This man came off nicely in my first phone interview, although he didn’t let me talk much, which was a sign of tunnel vision right there. He was only happy I had built a nice following on YouTube, but didn’t take notice of anything else. When I had an in-person interview with him, once again he did all the talking. He knows my skills but doesn’t know my work capabilities or me for that matter. A week later he makes me an offer, a very weak one. So I counter and we end up talking on the phone. This time he starts doing all the talking, again, until I stand up for myself and cut him off. I put this man in his place. It felt great as I’m not always one to be like this. During my in-person interview he knocked my schooling and insulted people with mental disorders, two things that really rubbed me the wrong way and I made a mental note of it. Now during this call he says he’s never seen my work before. 

You want to hire me but you’ve never seen my work? Never looked at my huge portfolio?

No, he just saw I was popular on YouTube and watched one video. Great employer, right? 

Tunnel vision. 

As I continue to have a dialogue with this man he ups his offer, still not enough, but keeps putting words in my mouth, saying I’m not capable of things nor want what he wants. Not once did I ever say this. I stood up for myself because I know what I’m worth and nobody is going to talk down to me the way he did. Now I’m no expert at my craft and I’m extremely humble, being fortunate enough to work with many high profile people and companies at a young age, but I know I’m decent at what I do otherwise I wouldn’t have all the opportunities I’ve had. Not to mention I have a Masters and certification, so I must know something, right? The sad thing is that this man is less established than I am, is looking for someone to help establish him, but knocks their credibility. And he told me I’m his favorite applicant, so why insult me?

What kind of businessman is this?

Just texting with him he only reads one sentence out of everything I wrote to him and gets uptight about it. Just a very conceited man too caught up in himself. This wasn’t a man who wanted to know about me, he just wanted to know what I could do for him and that’s it. That’s a negative relationship. 

My point of these stories is that tunnel vision in a relationship can be dangerous. We’re all guilty of it as when we are focused on something that’s usually all we notice. But people who let it constantly cloud their judgment are not people you keep around. 

Now my Ex was somewhat different and it bothers me if she couldn’t see the bigger picture like I assume because she knows I’m a great guy (she told me that), I could be wrong, but this businessman is his own worst enemy. 

It’s great he has a vision, everyone should, but if all you can see is straight and not the bigger picture, you’re going to sink your ship fast. 

If you realize you have bad tunnel vision, step back and take a look at the bigger picture. If you can’t do this then you are going to hurt yourself or someone else. Since my Ex broke up with me I’ve stepped back and realized where I went wrong in our relationship. That’s a mature thing to do. Now I wish I did this sooner and realized how my behavior hurt my Ex, but you can’t change the past, but you can change the future. If an employer or anyone for that matter can’t see your true worth, they’re not worth your time. Now I know I could help this guy tremendously, but he insulted me and never took a true interest in me and that is a deal breaker. 

Is tunnel vision hurting you or others? If so, change now before it’s too late. If you notice someone else has awful tunnel vision, avoid them if you can or let them know. You’ll save yourself from potential toxic situations. 

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.” – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

I hope this can help you or someone you know.