Anxiety Loves Me

Anxiety is probably one of the craziest, scariest things one could deal with. I have it right now as I write this. Did I choose to have it? 

No. Nobody does. 

The scariest thing about anxiety is that I never even knew I had it until recently. What caused it? Apparently something in my childhood, but I know from recent events it has escalated like I’d never experienced before. 

Since I was young I’ve been very close with my parents. I’m an only child. I’m used to being alone. But I’ve always liked to know someone was around, whether in the room or the house. My parents would always tell me stories about that and I never really thought much about it except that I like being around others. But now that I think more about it I think that’s a sign of anxiety at an early age. 

When I was in school, I remember it moreso in high school, I never really believed in my writing. One day I approached my English teacher about a paper I did horrible on and he realized I didn’t believe in myself. He pushed me and on my next paper I did extremely well, especially from that point onward. My mom would always push me to work really hard, being hard on me about things in hopes I would do better, which I would, but I think anxiety came from this as well. Of course she meant well, I guess it just created self doubt in me, which has haunted me most of my life. 

In high school I had no confidence when it came to women. I tried asking a few girls to homecoming and got rejected as I waited too long as someone beat me to it, so I never really believed in myself. Through college I was pretty much the same. I never really had the self confidence to approach a girl in terms of dating. My best friend there was very similar. I think it was sophomore or junior year I found out one of my best female friends had the hots for me and I always had a thing for her, so we tried it. She gave me my first kiss but I became too clingy and she called things off. I hadn’t known from anything else before. So this hurt me a lot but I got over it. Then senior year I became close with another girl who wound up being a lipstick lesbian, so that threw me off lol. 

So eventually I went on to grad school and met my now Ex. We met pretty early on in school, just a few months in. I thought she was kind of cute but wasn’t sure how I truly felt. We hung out a lot after her roommate introduced us. We lived in the same dorm building and my Ex was the only one who would hang out with me out of all her roommates. So we naturally became close. One night we all went out, I think she got drunk and danced on me at this club. That’s when I knew something was there for her. So I don’t know if it was the next night or a few nights later or what but I kissed her before leaving her room for the night. Then things kind of took off from there. We went on winter break shortly after and I came to stay at her house towards the end of it where we practically made it official. We went on our first date then and things just took off. We had already known each other pretty well at that point. We would spend like everyday together and go grocery shopping to cook food in the dorm. Then once the year got closer to ending we decided to get an apartment. We loved it. It was great. I later graduated, a year before her. I almost didn’t graduate due to a professor being an asshole to me, really lowering my self esteem. As I said my mom always pushed me to do well so for someone to really treat me badly and prevent me from doing this really rocked me. That summer I got really emotional being apart from my Ex as I had no idea when I’d be with her again. This really bothered her. Luckily she worked at a summer camp near me that summer and we worked things out, but she was never quite the same after that. 

I was fearful of not finding a job so I took an internship down by her at school so I could be with her. I lived with her again for several months until my internship ended. My grandma’s dog wound up being put down and then my dog wound up being put down, not to mention my dad lost his job. My parents asked me to move back home so I did. So now my anxiety had taken a huge turn and I had become somewhat depressed. A few months later I went to visit my Ex as they had a career fair, so it was an excuse to see her and see if I could land something. That was the last time I saw her. A month or so later I got anxiety from a post on Facebook talking about a girl splitting with her boyfriend as they’d be going separate ways after school. I told my Ex and she called it quits. I’m not so sure what sparked it but she apparently wasn’t happy with me anymore from what she said. She just never really recovered from the past summer, which to me is kind of odd. 

But my Ex claimed she is practically dead inside and can’t feel emotional about much anymore. She just couldn’t love me back the way I loved her. She told me I deserved the love I was so willing to give and I am very loving, that’s just how I am naturally to those I really care about.  I of course don’t understand but I guess that’s how she is. I begged and pleaded but she said no matter how much I change won’t matter. We had discussed getting married and everything. That was the plan for our 2.5 years together. So that’s what I believed. I tried talking to her a month later and she still wasn’t that warm, I believe it was a way to get me to back off, so I’ve left her alone since. We’d watch each other’s Snapchat stories until recently when she removed me. It showed me she still cared but did what was best to move on. We are still connected on Facebook and Instagram but have hidden each other. I still really care about her and the silence eats at me everyday. I no longer have that special person to share my life with. It hurts because I’m empty. You know I write these blogs and still suffer but it helps me vent and explore my feelings. My Ex and I had a lot of differences, some major and some very minor, but I can pinpoint things that bothered me much like I’m sure she can me. It doesn’t make her bad, I still love and respect her and probably always will. She has a very special place in my heart. It’s just trying to find someone new now that gets me going. 

I’ve developed the worst anxiety since. I’ve gotten better and have worked on finding my happiness again, but I still think about her everyday and even cry about her sometimes. I’ve started seeing a therapist to help and it does to an extent. I have my good days and bad days. But anxiety has kicked my ass ever since. 

I recently learned my friends I’ve been hanging with have never been in a serious relationship. It felt good to know I have but also made me weary as I don’t want to stay single like them. I loved my Ex, still do, and it’s hard picturing life without her. I know she wasn’t a great fit but I accepted her for who she was. Now I have fears of trying with someone new and even fears of never finding someone like her. I have fear of being single forever like my friends. They’re all irrational fears and I know that, but subconsciously I don’t. My brain doesn’t care. It chooses to be scared. That’s easier. I joined a dating app months ago and have been messaged and liked by a few girls but I never replied back. I wasn’t ready but now I think I am. I’ll have an urge to do it then the fear will take over me and I’ll step back. But I long for a significant other. I want to share my life with someone like I did. I loved being loved and loved living independently with them. It meant the world to me. I thought my life was complete in terms of love and to have that stripped away hurt me so bad as it wasn’t my choice, it was hers. But this anxiety gets in the way and it’s so frustrating. I’ll have days I feel strong and days I’m mopey as ever for several hours. It’s an emotional rollercoaster and anxiety seems to love me. 

Anxiety is so powerful it’s scary. Thankfully I don’t have extreme anxiety but I can only imagine what those who do go through. It’s scary. You have no control over how you feel. People tell you to suck it up but you can’t. It doesn’t work that way. My parents get annoyed as they don’t know how to cope with it. They don’t mean to be that way they just don’t know how. We have to find someone who is patient and compassionate. My Ex was to an extent but she got mad at me when I couldn’t handle her anxiety years ago. I never dealt with it before and didn’t know how to help her like I would now. You just have to find someone who is willing to work though it with you. Not judge you or anything. 

If anxiety loves you like it loves me, seek a therapist or life coach. It helps a lot to have someone who does care. I know it’s not a partner so it’s different but it’s better than nobody at all. Find ways to identify your anxiety, what triggers it and how to cope with it if you can. My life has turned around since my break up, literally the worst thing I’ve ever dealt with, but I’ve landed a job, got a new dog and my dad got a job. So everything is stable again and your life can be, too. Just make the effort to not let anxiety win if you can. I know you can do it. I’m doing it myself. 

Before I go, I highly recommend seeing the new film Swiss Army Man starring Daniel Radcliffe and Paul Dano. This film is honestly all about anxiety and loneliness. It’s wacky but if you can really dig below the surface it has a really powerful message. It’s quite sad honestly. Go see it, it may help you realize there’s a light at the end of every dark tunnel. Something all of us need to hear sometimes. 

Good luck! You got this!

Is Heartbreak Worse Than Death?

Now the title may raise a lot of controversy or it may not at all, but it’s something I’ve been coping with for almost two months now. 

Is heartbreak worse than death?

You might be saying to yourself, “is this guy crazy?”

Perhaps I am. To be honest after my recent breakup I have gone a bit crazy. The moment my Ex left my life a part of me died. This girl wanted to marry me and build a future with me. We were practically married as we lived together for several years and basically did a lot of things married couples do. I loved it and thought she did, too. 

So how could I come up with such a statement?

I never really thought of it until I vented to one of my best friends. He asked me if coping would be easier if she was dead and I said yes honestly. I’d know she was gone forever and not seeing anyone else, but I’d never ever wish that on her. She deserves to be happy. But I’ve lost a lot of people in my life at a young age. I’ve lost all but one of my grandparents. I’ve lost several dogs back home while I was away at college and grad school. I’ve lost many relatives and I’m only 25 years old. Losing family is extremely hard, so don’t get me wrong. Not being able to say goodbye is awful. 

But. 

When someone passes away, you never see them again. Perhaps in an afterlife if you believe in that, which would be fantastic, but you know right there that these people are gone…forever. You will NEVER see them again during your lifetime. Their journey in our world has ended. All you can do is grieve and cherish the memories you have. 

You can do the same with a heartbreak, BUT they are still alive. Their life is going on…without you. You can see them happy without you (unless you’ve blocked them) and you can see them living without you. Just before you were told they wanted to spend their life with you. They wanted to have children, start a family, build a house, travel with you, get a dog and the whole nine yards…now you see them doing that without you. Perhaps they will do that with someone else. It’s so hard to witness and even think about. 

Earlier I said I’ve gone crazy after my breakup. Yeah I honestly have. I’ve had panic attacks, I’ve had major anxiety issues I’ve never ever encountered in my entire life, I’ve had emotional breakdowns out of nowhere. I started to see a therapist, something I never thought I’d ever need. You just live your life empty. A part of you is just gone. Everything reminds you of your partner. It could be music, seeing their car driving by, even just going to the grocery store. I literally see my Ex’s type of car everywhere, it drives me crazy. Everything is a mind game. You can’t really control your mind. You can fight your mind but you can’t control it. I could be shopping with my family and suddenly have a flashback of my Ex and I going to the store. It’s awful. 

It’s grief. It’s the grieving process. 

I’ve cried myself to sleep sometimes almost two months later. She seems to have moved on. Even told me she’s so over it and doing amazing. All of that just tears at your heartstrings. 

Heartbreak is honestly one of the hardest and worst feelings I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. I know how to cope with death but I honestly have no idea how to cope with heartbreak, especially my first. Why? Because it’s so confusing. You’re left in the dark only assuming you know what went wrong but you really don’t know and you can’t understand it. You just feel lost and betrayed. I’m terrified of even investing in someone new emotionally right now. I literally put myself into this relationship thinking I’d never ever have to find someone else. But now I do. I’m not going to be a hermit as I’ve always wanted a life partner. I treat my partner very well, I’m certainly not perfect for obvious reasons but I really give of myself to those I care about. To fully invest in someone for many years only for them to leave you unexpectedly is awful. I can only imagine what a divorce is like…I hope I never ever have to experience that. 

Perhaps my Ex came into my life to prepare me for the right person. I know my Ex wasn’t the best match but I loved her for who she was. I was addicted to our love as she meant so much to me and still does. She’s treated me like crap in the end, but I can’t see her for that. Love is blinding. But a part of me will always love her for all that she did for me. She gave me a chance. 

The light at the end of the tunnel is that had this not happened I would’ve never broken my bad habits and start healthier ones. Looking back she would do things sometimes that annoyed me and I’m sure I did stuff too. Nobody is perfect. But I overlooked a lot of things as I wanted to give us a chance. 

If you’re going through heartbreak I’m sorry. It’s such an awful feeling. My Ex seems to be immune to it as I was her third. She told me she couldn’t feel a certain way because she was emotionally scarred from her past, which is extremely hard to comprehend when you’re an emotional person. I still don’t get it and never will. I can tell you things will get better. They will. You can choose to let it eat at you or move on. I am doing both. I can’t just cut her off. It’s impossible no matter how many people tell you that you can. Love doesn’t just vanish in my opinion. Your Ex may say they’re over it but I doubt it. Honestly. You can’t love someone for years and get over it in a day. My Ex still looks at my SnapChats, so I know she is holding onto something. She also hasn’t unfollowed me on anything. Just stay positive if you can. Vent to friends and family. Check out Relationship.net, I’ve met some interesting people there that has helped a bit. Just don’t isolate yourself. You will grieve. If you have to cry then cry. Don’t be ashamed. Know someone better is waiting. 

So, do you feel heartbreak is worse than death? Are they similar? Not even close?

I’m curious your opinion. Let me know in the comments if you’d like. It’s just something deep to think about. 

The Person You Love is NOT the Person You Know

If you’ve ever been in a breakup with someone or divorced, etc. you probably realized that your Ex is no longer the person you fell in love with however long ago. 

If you haven’t been in this situation props to you, but it is something to keep in mind. They say you don’t know your partner until you break up or get married. 

As you know by now if you’ve read all my posts, my Ex broke up with me after we were together 2.5 years. We lived together, talked about getting married and everything. Well she broke up with me a month ago and we did no contact and such. I extended it as I felt I wasn’t healed yet. 

So I reached out to her the other day to tell her I landed a job. She was nice about it. Then I went on to apologize for breaking the no contact and she was kind of mean and short. She was somewhat distant as well. It bothered me and it hurts. She offered friendship when we broke up, so I figured ok after a month she’ll cool down and we can start being friends. 

Wrong. 

Apparently according to her it will take more than a couple months to be friends…about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Yes we are coming off a fresh, long relationship but we had a very good friendship. I am never one to act differently towards people I really care about, so I was warm towards her and it made her fear I thought we would have another chance, which is true I did, so it bothered her a lot. What I don’t get at all is where the foundation you built over many years suddenly goes, especially when you didn’t do anything negative to her. It’s sad. 

So I decided to do some homework on this. And it’s a little eye opening. After a breakup the dumpee is usually delusional about a lot of things. An article I found was spot on. My Ex seems so happy without me as she’s now wearing makeup and working out way more than she did when we were together. Not to mention she’s way over our relationship supposedly. 

In one of the articles I read it said that the person your Ex was during your relationship has passed away and a new soul has taken over their body. They may look the same, but they’re not the same person inside. And this makes a lot of sense the more I think about it, but it’s also really sad. It talked about how during your relationship your partner will act differently as they want to be in their best form and adopt to the way you are and vise versa. So when you breakup and they move on, that form of them vanishes. That’s not how I am necessarily. What changed about me are all the negative traits I came to acknowledge after my relationship that are now gone, but my attitude towards her isn’t changed. I would never suddenly be disrespectful to someone I loved for over 2 years, that’s just not in my nature. 

If you notice this about your Ex it’s a really rude awakening. They may be mean or the total opposite of who they were. You just feel like asking them “who are you?” It’s kind of scary. If you cheated or abused them that’s a different story, but when you just split over something minor and they act different it really hurts. You feel like you’re walking on egg shells. And I don’t know how else to talk to her than how I always did. She wants me to not be emotional when I speak to her, but I’m just a kind person. She was my first love so it’s a huge learning experience for me. I just don’t get how someone can change so drastically. You may even feel like they never really loved you, but that’s most likely not true. Especially if your relationship lasts for a long time. So don’t put that in your head. They wouldn’t last with you as long as they did if they didn’t have any feelings for you. 

And remember a relationship is a two way street. If they get on the sidewalk and go another way that’s on them. You may never understand their reasoning, I know I won’t, but you have to accept it and respect their wishes. Especially if you want to have a friendship eventually. Letting go is the hardest part and seeing the person you loved turn into someone else is heartbreaking. But their true colors came out and that’s who they really are. You just have to accept them for who they are and decide if they’re still worth keeping around. 

If you haven’t gotten to this point, and I hope you never do, take a good look at your partner and ask yourself if they’re really the person you think they are and someone you’d like to spend your life with.  

So take a deep breath and relax. People change for the better or worse. They may try and tackle their insecurities while separated. Just wish them well, be the bigger person and do your best to move on, as hard as it is. And remember they came into your life to teach you something, even if you don’t realize it now, they did much like you taught them something. 

Life works in mysterious ways. It really does. You may never truly understand it but you’re learning along the way. Just keep on keep in’ on. 

Learning to Love Yourself

If there’s anything I learned from my recent breakup it was the fact I stopped loving myself. 

My Ex became my world. She was my first love and I thought it was natural to put her first. We were happy together for the longest time, I think so at least. We moved in together after a year, then later moved into a second apartment together. We even discussed getting married and looked at houses and what not. I thought I found my life partner and so did she for the longest time. But I put her on a pedestal as she meant so much to me, perhaps blinding me to her flaws. 

Let’s put it this way, I learned my lesson for my next relationship. Although the thought of another relationship right now scares me. 

I’m scared because I don’t understand why my Ex left me. I do to an extent but the fact she’s lost all sympathy for me and doesn’t like talking to me much anymore really hurts. We didn’t split maliciously, I never did anything to her intentionally. We became long distance after we both finished school as we are from different states and that perhaps was a deciding factor for her. But she has a ton of baggage and skeletons in her closet that would’ve made a future very tough as we come from two different lifestyles. I did learn a lot from her though over the years. She has helped make me a better person. 

But as I said I really lost track of myself. I had my hobbies I enjoyed but they were toxic to me, just spending money on stuff I didn’t need and getting upset with idiots on the internet, so it bothered her. I’ve since cut those hobbies off as they were toxic to me, but now I need to find new hobbies. It’s hard. These old hobbies were a big part of my life at one point. But this breakup has made me do a lot of soul searching. 

I’ve started to love myself again a bit, not fully as I’m so not used to being alone anymore, but it’s helping. I’m eating better and exercising to lose weight. I’m selling my collection I spent so much money on so I can put it into savings. And I landed a full time job finally. So there are a lot of positive things coming into my life, but I need to really love myself again. 

I used to love myself a lot. I was so used to being single and made the most of it. When I met my Ex we clicked and things went from 0 to 100 really fast. This was a desire I’ve had all my life so it really became my world when I had it. That’s why losing it is so hard to comprehend. But I need to get back to that point again. 

To be honest, I don’t want to be there again. Being single again is scary. I had a partner for 2.5 years, so to feel this way again is weird. But I’m in a much better place now than I was. My lifestyle is healthier and this is what I need to come to terms with. My life can only go up from here. My Ex clearly wasn’t right for me and it’s unfortunate because I do care about her but she helped turn me into the right person. 

I need to invest time in myself. I need to find what makes me happy. What makes me healthy. What makes me motivated to cease the day everyday. So that way I can attract the right partner this time. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. This is the advice I’ve been told numerous times and have come across online. It’s hard to understand right now but it’s true. If you’re not your own person how can someone else love you?

So if you’re in this situation. Invest time in yourself. Don’t jump into another relationship to fill the void as clearly you’re not ready and will hurt yourself and your partner. The right person will come along eventually. Just spend time with friends and family and most of all, yourself. You have to be happy with you first. This will take time, trust me, I’m going through it right now myself. Wake up everyday happy, thankful for where you are and how far you’ve come and remember there’s better things waiting for you. 

Why Does Being Single Again Feel So Weird?

As you know, if you like my blog, my girlfriend broke up with me recently after being together 2.5 years. It devastated me, which is why it inspires so many posts. 

Anyway, I was 23 when I met my Ex. She was my first love. Was she the perfect match? Clearly not, but she took off my training wheels and taught me a lot. I still love her and am thankful for all she did for me. We didn’t end negatively thankfully and are trying to create a friendship out of it. Good luck, right? I want it, but I’m not sure yet if she does. 

You’re probably thinking, “Wow he was 23 when he met his first love?” 

Yeah. 

I was a wimp. I’ve loved girls since I can remember. I had my first crush in 6th grade. Never had the balls to ask her out. In high school I chased girls I barely knew, basically just crushes. I never had a date to Homecoming or Prom, although I did ask someone to Homecoming once but someone beat me to it. I just wasn’t confident then. 

In college I had my first kiss with one of my best friends. I had the hots for her since I met her but she was always dating these random, dumb guys until one day she decided she had a crush on me. So I of course was head over heels excited. We made out a few times I think? Then I got super clingy and she said I was moving too fast and broke it off. I was devastated. But I didn’t know from anything. Then towards the end of college I started having feelings for a girl who was a lipstick lesbian. Her and I hung out all the time and one night she told me she was gay. I was taken aback but I was supportive. We wound up going to grad school together. I eventually ditched her once I met my Ex and her (lesbian friend’s) girlfriend was getting jealous I was hanging with her so much so it was time to cut ties. 

So finally in grad school I met my Ex. I wasn’t so sure I liked her but something told me to try. One night I kissed her, it just came over me, and she was so happy. Her and I would hang out all the time after her roommate introduced us. My Ex’s roomies would never hang with me but apparently had a crush on me so I’m told. So my Ex and I kicked things off. We moved in together the following year and it was great. Then I graduated and moved back in with her when she continued her last year. Then we moved back to our families homes in separate states after she graduated and then a month later she broke up with me. 

I still hurt because I loved her so much. I know we weren’t a perfect fit but we did everything together. There were a lot of differences between us, like financially and future aspirations, so it was hard. But I really overlooked a lot of it to see if we could make it work. Apparently she couldn’t as my sudden depression due to a ton of hardship with my family took over me and she called it quits. 

But I have so many questions going through my head. We were supposed to get married? She said I was the love of her life? We picked out types of houses we liked? We decided how many kids and dogs we wanted? Where did that all go? 

You’re not the only one who feels this way. I think about that every day. I don’t know where it went but there’s one thing I do know. 

I’m single again. 

I don’t like it. 

My Ex and I were practically married. We lived together, went grocery shopping, paid bills and the whole nine yards. I loved it, through the good and bad. I was in heaven. You know, because it took me 23 years to get to this point. And we went from 0 to 100 really fast, I figured we were meant to be. She thought so for awhile. I did too. 

Well being single feels crappy. It feels crappy because I don’t have my partner. That addictive feeling you get from having a partner who loves you is inexplicable. To go from that to nothing is like going cold turkey. I’m having withdrawals. I’m doing better each day but it’s a very lonely feeling. 

It’s also a lonely feeling because I isolated myself. All my friends did this when they started dating. When you meet a potential partner everything else gets pushed aside. It’s not a good thing but it happens. You become obsessed. 

Fortunately for me I’ve been able to rekindle all my friendships back home as well as my best friends from college. My best friends from college live in different states so they’ll never go away. My friends here could’ve. They’re not used to me being home anymore. Neither am I. I feel like an immigrant as I haven’t lived at home for almost six years. 

Being single feels weird because I don’t know how to be alone anymore. Part of this is my fault as I made my Ex my world. I was so used to us being together 24/7. I loved it and craved it. Now I don’t even know how to entertain myself. My friends all work, I do freelance work while I continue to hunt for a full-time job (the job market is frustrating), so I can’t even see them really til the weekends. My dad is job hunting so I’m just home with him while my mom works. 

At night I watch TV with my parents because I don’t like the feeling of being alone in my room. It scares me honestly. I have a fear of being alone in life and it’s all too realistic right now. 

The dumb thing though is that I’m not alone.

I have friends. I have family. I will have a new dog soon. But I feel alone. I feel so single. 

What I don’t realize is that now I can explore myself and I have been. When my Ex broke up with me it motivated me to make a ton of positive lifestyle changes. And I have. I’m walking over four miles, eating better, socializing and whatever else. 

So even though being single feels really weird and lonely, you feel like you can’t function in life anymore, look at everything around you. You’re not alone, you’re choosing to feel alone. I know and hate the feeling as much as the next person. Hell I see people from high school getting married and having kids while I just had my first breakup. Go figure. Surround yourself with friends and family. Get out and discover new hobbies. Make life changes. While you’re single you can become a better person, don’t make the same mistakes again. 

I’m terrified of finding a new partner right now, starting over and investing in someone new. It’s intimidating. But if you keep that mentality and don’t put yourself out there you’ll never meet anyone. 

Don’t be your own worst enemy. 

Make the best of it. I know it sucks. I’m in that situation, but I know all of this is making me a much better, stronger, healthier person. 

“The hardest walk you can make is alone. But it’s the walk that will make you stronger.”

Hang in there, it’ll be worth the wait!

Is Breaking Up, Breaking Up?

If you’ve ever been in a serious relationship and unfortunately have been broken up with or broke up with someone, you know it not only hurts buts it’s also very confusing. 

As you know if you’ve been reading my other posts my girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me recently kind of out of the blue. She was my first love and meant the world to me. She still does honestly. She’s one of my best friends. 

Since I’m new to relationships I don’t quite understand it all. A relationship is built on friendship, respect, loyalty, commitment and especially love. So where does this all go when you break up?

My heart doesn’t understand it. I’m a very loving person and give of myself a lot to those I love, probably more than I should, which could be why I hurt so much right now. I don’t understand where all those feelings go? 

I’ve come to terms with us no longer a couple, at least I think so, but the fact we haven’t spoken in over a month really hurts. We would talk everyday. I know we have things going on in our lives, but it was routine for over two years. That routine is gone. It was something I looked forward to everyday and now I can’t. 

Breaking up is almost like going through withdrawals. At least it feels that way to me. I don’t really know how to cope with it. There are days I feel great and days I feel like crap. And I’m always thinking about her, what she’s doing and if she’s ok. Why? Because I care. 

Whether we are still together or not I still care about her. I will always care about her. She’s the one who offered friendship but it doesn’t seem like friendship at all yet. It takes time. 

Time has helped me heal tremendously but I still dwell on her. From the moment I wake up I am anxious/nauseous for a bit wondering if and when we will talk after the “no contact” ends. I’m not the most patient, clearly, but it’s just one of many habits I’ve been working on. 

I know her and I had our differences. I know we wound up wanting different things. I know she did things sometimes that bothered me much like I did things that bothered her. Some you can’t control, like anxiety/depression. I know she suffers from anxiety sometimes and now I have for the last 18 months. It can take over you where you have no control of your emotions. It’s scary, but you just need someone to support you through it. I believe she left me because she no longer could deal with it and it made her unhappy. Do I get it? Yes. Is it fair? Not really. But it happened and that’s life. 

Love is very confusing. It’s addicting. It’s a feeling I desired my whole life and when I got it I cherished it so much. Sometimes it got the best of me. But I’m only human. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for this girl and she knows that. She said I’m a great guy who will make someone very happy one day. It hurts to hear that because I wanted to make her happy as she made me happy. 

But people change. How? I’m not really sure. When I love someone I love them for who they are. I respect them. That’s why even though we had our differences my love for her made me overlook them. We all have our flaws and baggage, that’s what makes us human. 

When I see photos of her now on social media she looks different. She looks great but almost like a stranger. She was never that self confident when we were together. I’m happy she seems to be in a better place, but I feel like I barely know her. It scares me. Here’s someone I fell in love with whom I consider a best friend who is now seeming to be happy without me. It’s hard to understand. How does that love deteriorate over time? Where does it go? Mine stayed, so I think. I still clearly have it. It eats at me multiple times a day everyday. 

I personally don’t understand breaking up. She’s not out of my life completely but it certainly feels that way right now. I don’t get how a switch is flipped and everything created is gone. She wanted to get married one day. It’s now gone. How? Love is so confusing. Breaking up makes no sense. One person just stops trying and it’s heartbreaking. 

Is breaking up, breaking up? 

To be honest, I don’t know. I would say yes but you can’t always break a piece of this person off in your heart unless they do something so negative to you. 

I love this girl and I always will. She’s done so much positive for me and the breakup made me realize I needed to change to be a better person. I’ve done a ton of soul searching since. I’ve been healing but it’s a very hard process. It’s like a death but they’re clearly still living, but without you. It’s hard to fathom. 

If you’re recovering from a breakup, try not to be vengeful. Try and understand why they did what they did. Perhaps they’re lost and need to rediscover themselves. Realize why this happened as it did for a reason. You probably will learn from it. I did tremendously. It’s an uphill battle but you have to keep moving forward, even when your legs get tired. 

Breakups suck but they help you grow as a person. 

I wish you the best. 

Letting Go is Harder Than You Know

You know I’ve never been one to cope well with loss, but who is? 

A death in the family or of a friend is very hard to deal with as you’ll never see them again, but you have that closure knowing this. 

However, what about someone who is still alive? 

To me this is even more difficult because both of your lives go on, just without each other. 

Yes this is another article about my Ex, but I had an even bigger wake up call today. Today I reached out to her to let her know I found a job thinking she’d be happy for me, she was, how genuine it was I’m not sure. I went on to apologize to her for all that transpired and we spoke briefly. She was distant and a little cold because she said she’s just so emotionally detached. I have become somewhat detached but not 100% until now. 

I loved this girl. I’d do anything for her and we were together almost 2.5 years, we even lived together. I never abused her, cheated on her or did anything malicious. I just simply got borderline depressed when shit hit the fan in my life and she couldn’t handle it anymore. So why would she be cold and distant?

Yes our relationship ended, but it was built on friendship so I thought? She was uncomfortable in our conversation and ended it because I was talking to her emotionally I guess? Me being open and honest is emotional apparently and I’m supposed to talk to her some other way? I don’t know how else to talk to someone I care about whether I’m dating them or just a friend. I just naturally treat people of all ages the same and then go above and beyond for those I love. 

Losing someone who is dear to you while they’re living is so challenging. There’s always that “what if” question because they’re still doing their thing, but without you. At least with a death you know it’s over, but knowing they’re alive seems that much harder to me. 

I will always wonder what she’s doing, who she is dating, how her life is going and what have you. Granted we are connected on social media but still. There’s that “what if” mentality like “what if we were still together now?” or “what if I messaged her, how would she reply?” and whatever other questions. 

It’s really hard to just let go. 

Letting go is so hard and I mean so hard. I was her third boyfriend while she was my first, so of course it’s harder for me. But losing people important to me hurts. No matter the circumstance. A guy I considered a really good friend stabbed me in the back in grad school. People change. They teach you things in life then disappear. Some may stick around but not many do sadly. 

Just beware of those you let into your life. They are there to learn from you and vice versa. They come into your life for a reason. You may not see it now but you will eventually. 

So what exactly does it mean to let go? It’s the ability to move on 100%. Cut off contact, whether they’re dead or alive. Never have the desire to see them again. This is easier said than done. 

It’s like a gaping hole you can’t close. You want to just talk to them but you can’t, or you shouldn’t, so you just start living your life without them. If they truly meant something to you it’s hard to not think about them. They created memories with you. Good and bad. They created a chapter in your life. 

When my Ex broke up with me I took extra time away to heal. It helped me but I learned today I wasn’t fully healed. After my encounter with her tonight I will really be able to heal as whatever I was holding onto is gone. It’s a shame. It’s scary. And it’s really sad. When you invest time into someone and they disappear, it really hurts. But when they act a certain way you realize they probably weren’t worth it or they got what they needed and moved on. 

People are interesting creatures. They really are. I often wonder what makes certain people tick. You think you know someone then they totally surprise you, good or bad. But that’s life. We encounter these people everyday. You’ll continue to do this until the day you disappear from the planet. Just go in with both eyes open, you’ll learn a lot. 

When it comes to letting go, just take it a day at a time. Cherish the good with the bad. Don’t hold grudges. My Ex pissed me off tonight but I’m not going to paint her negatively. I cherish all she did for me. I hope she finds happiness honestly. But just work on yourself. Heal yourself with things you enjoy whether hobbies or people who make you happy. Time heals all wounds, just be patient. I’ll be doing this myself now. Just be grateful for the time you had with them and realize what you learned along the way. 

What is a True Friend?

What is it? 

All of us have friends and I’m sure have many. I would say I have many acquaintances, but only a handful of real true friends. 

Your true friends are the loyal, caring ones who are always there for you. They may live in another state or country and you may not even talk to or see them that often, but they will check up on you out of the blue and always be there to listen when you need it. 

They will want to know the most boring things about you, like what you ate for breakfast. They will make conversation out of nothing because they just enjoy your presence. 

Your true friends will reach out to you when they’re in the bathroom doing their business. They don’t care. Why? Because true friends don’t judge you and know you don’t judge them. 

True friends accept you for you and don’t care about your flaws or baggage. They are the ones willing to unpack it for you. 

A true friend won’t leave you when you’re down. Instead they stand there and give you a hard time, encouraging you that you’re better and can get back up. 

A true friend loves you. Love is a strong word. And it’s only given to those special in their life. Even if they don’t come out and say it, a true friend has a place for you in their heart. 

True friends are hard to find just like true love is. You may be head over heels for someone but as soon as you fall hard they bounce. That’s not true love. True love sticks with you no matter what because they love you for you. True love welcomes you with open arms, no matter how difficult you may be. 

A true friend loves you unconditionally. 

A true friend protects you. If someone talks negatively about you or says something rude to you, they chime in. They don’t allow anything bad to happen to you and when you’re mistreated they have an issue with it. 

A true friend has your best interest in mind. They will always look out for you and think of you. 

They will stay up with you at all hours of the night. They will make sure you’re healthy and doing okay. They will make sure you’re in a good place no matter what. They will make you come before them. 

If your friends don’t fit these standards then they may not be a true friend. They may be on the verge of becoming one though. If a new friend shows these qualities you have a keeper. But the only time to tell who really is there to stay is when things get hard. If they stick around, they’re a true friend. If not, they were only there when it was convenient.

Be aware of those you let into your life, they may just make a difference. Those who leave, learn from them and know their time came and went. Don’t be bitter, they’re just lost. 

Tell your true friends you love them. They love you. 

The Gift of Soul Searching

How well do you know yourself?

Honestly. 

Do you really know yourself? 

If you say yes I’m going to say I don’t believe you. 

Why?

Well, you may think you know yourself but I bet you don’t know everything. Relating back to my Tunnel Vision post, have you stepped back and realized how you are, how you’re acting and if you’re truly healthy?

If so, great, but how often do you do this?

It wasn’t until recently that I did this probably for the first time. Life is like a one way street, you can’t go back, only forwards and sometimes life just passes us by as we roll along each day. You don’t stop to take in everything around you and where you are currently.  

You should, honestly. 

I know I’ve mentioned my past relationship with my Ex that recently ended quite a lot, but I’ve learned so much from it. 

I learned how to soul search. 

Soul searching is extremely powerful. It only works when you’re absolutely honest and open with yourself. Losing my Ex has been one of the hardest things to cope with. It’s even harder because it’s not a death in the family, she’s still alive and well (I wish her nothing but the best) and she’s moving on with her life without me. It’s really hard as we were together for 2.5 years and I loved/cherished them through the good and bad. 

But when she broke up with me my world turned upside down. But it also opened my eyes. I didn’t blame her for anything, and yes we are both guilty for problems in a relationship, but I looked at myself. I knew what physical changes I can make instantly, and those were beneficial, but I also started to look within. Now this won’t happen overnight, it can take days, weeks or months, maybe even years. But I’ve really dug deep and realized everywhere I went wrong. It takes maturity to be honest with yourself and realize your flaws. 

And now I’m working on changing all those habits and traits I had, that I can control, so my next partner won’t have to deal with them and neither will I. 

I feel cleansed and much stronger/healthier than ever. It’s unfortunate I had to learn the hard way but sometimes that’s what it takes. I needed shock value. 

So if you’re in a situation in life, perhaps any type of relationship, stop what you’re doing and take a look within. Are you happy? Are you being your true self? Are there things about you that you can change now that perhaps are hurting you or someone else?

Be honest with yourself. 

It’s one of the best things you could ever do, trust me. Like I said we just move through time and don’t always stop to realize where we are or how we are. Our self worth and dignity are important. Don’t forget about you. You’re just as important. 

I did and it hurt me. I give of myself to those I care about so much but I can easily lose track of myself while doing this. And it happened in my relationship. 

Take a moment right now to analyze yourself and your current situation. Just take a few minutes. You won’t regret it. 

Cost of Burning Bridges

Sometimes in life you come across someone who just rubs you the wrong way, perhaps is disloyal and totally burns you on something. 

We’ve all been there, if not, props to you. I’ve been there…many times. 

As you read my blogs you probably notice a lot of the same topics come up and that’s because they really inspired this website. 

Over the years I’ve been in situations where either I’ve burned a bridge with someone or they burned one with me. It’s really something I don’t like to do as I don’t like to have enemies, nobody does, but some people you just have to cut off. 

In grad school I didn’t care for many people in my program as they were very cocky for my tastes, me being a humble guy, and I only made friends with my now Ex-girlfriend and a handful of people. 

One of the guys I bonded with seemed like a wonderful guy. Very innocent, more innocent than me, but we got a long so well because we were similar in many ways. We wound up working on our thesis together and it wasn’t til the week before graduation that he decided to burn me on it. He removed me from the project and wouldn’t communicate with me because he had major tunnel vision from being so stressed out. He’s very unorganized and last minute. I don’t think he ever received his degree but I’m not sure, I just know I got mine before him. I had to work my ass off to cover my ass to make sure I graduated on time. I couldn’t believe he did this to me when I was so good to him. My Ex would even cook for him when we had meetings. It really puts a bad taste in my mouth just thinking about it. He even blocked me on Facebook, very immature. He burned a bridge with me, but it taught me a lesson on not being so trusting so easily. 

Fast forward almost a year. 

My Ex of 2.5 years breaks up with me. One of the most devastating things I’ve ever dealt with. We do the “No Contact” and I end up breaking it out of emotional fear of her removing photos of us and she breaks it off officially with no desire for reconciliation. I’m heartbroken, still am. The fact we haven’t spoken since I’m writing this hurts, but it’s a healing process. She kept me on social media because we want to be friends, we don’t hate each other, just a number of factors split us. Now I respect her for not burning a bridge with me because I consider her one of my best friends whom I of course still love dearly. She meant the world to me for the past 2.5 years. I’m grateful she kept me around because losing her 100% would’ve made it that much more painful. Not to mention she’s still connected to majority of my family and I hers. It’s a respect thing because we loved each other’s families. Our situation shows a mature way to handle differences between the two  

Now fast forward a week or two. 

I end up dealing with a horrid entrepreneur. If you read my “Tunnel Vision in a Relationship” post you know about this guy. This guy wanted to hire me, loved me, supposedly offered me more money than any of his other applicants, but it was still practically minimum wage when he wanted me to perform at least five jobs.  Not to mention he barely took an interest in me because he knew nothing about me and never let me talk. He was so conceited he insulted my education and people with mental disorders when he told me he doesn’t want to work with people (referred to a different applicant) who had to see a psychiatrist every week. So when I inquired more in depth with this guy about him and his company he was extremely vague and put words in my mouth. So I decided to write a negative review about him on a job board site. I submitted it but decided shortly after to delete it. This guy did burn a bridge with me due to the very unprofessional way he acts. I blocked his number so I don’t hear from him ever again, even if he decides to come back to me after he realizes his other applicants can’t do the job. 

So yeah I had bad karma there for a minute, but something told me to remove it as the best revenge is success. Not that I mean to be vengeful, but I want him to learn the hard way that because of his ignorance he missed out on a great candidate. 

If you have enemies, don’t burn a bridge. Let them make a fool of themselves and learn why they are the way they are. Don’t stoop to their level. As tempting as it is to make them “suffer” don’t do it. Be the bigger person as what comes around goes around. In the end you’ll be rewarded. You never know if these people could help you with something down the line as well. I’m not a religious or superstitious person, but people come into your life for a reason. They’re teaching you something. Learn from their mistakes and actions. Don’t hold grudges, just forgive them and accept them for who they are. They’re their own worst enemy. If you can show you’re stronger than your enemies by accepting they’ll be so much better off. And you’ll honestly become a better person in the end.