The Toxicity of Forums

I’m sure at some point you’ve joined a forum, whether a legit forum website or Facebook group revolving around a topic. It’s great because you meet people with a common interest. 

It’s not always great. 

Growing up I had a passion for collecting toys, it was something I never grew out of until recently because it became toxic. I collected for so long because I built a web series on YouTube about it and it blew up for me. So my sudden “internet fame” if you want to even go there excited me, and it led to a lot of great opportunities over the years, but it took over my life. 

I became so engrossed in everything. People of all ages would comment on my videos, mostly kids and teens due to the subject matter, I’m only 25 by the way, and sometimes would write negative things out of jealousy. I had become an influencer in my community. And when people were negative, it bothered me because I always do my best to treat everyone nicely. But I got so caught up in the comments and had no self control when it came to replying. 

Now I know you’re just feeding the bullies when you reply as they want a rise out of you, but it didn’t matter as I was so engrossed. Eventually I made a second Facebook for my followers so I can interact with them daily and more personally. Now this was a great idea at the time as I made a lot of online friends, but this too took over my life. I joined and created groups revolving around collecting and people were always so opinionated. 

Sometimes people would knock a product of a company who sponsored me and I, with no self control sometimes, felt the need to stick my nose in. Then I’d get caught up in dumb internet drama with people I didn’t know and it would sometimes put me in a bad mood. I guess I felt I had to be the hero, but there was no reward for it. I was well respected because of my reputation but that’s not the point. 

My Ex would constantly encourage me not to respond, and sometimes I’d listen, but most of the time I wouldn’t. Plus I felt the need to outdo these people when they found a new toy and I had to run all over town to find it. 

When I look back at this behavior I don’t know where it came from, but it’s pretty sad. I spent money constantly and my Ex, family and friends told me to stop but I wouldn’t. I was addicted. 

When my Ex broke up with me I realized all this and just went cold turkey. I deactivated my second Facebook as I didn’t need that drama in my life as well as stopped spending money on toys. 

Since my Ex broke up with me I have been researching about relationships and how to resolve what I’ve been going through and what it means and such as she was my first. I became confused and joined a few Relationship forums to express my feelings and get help. 

Well, I feel now like I’m going backwards. It’s great to get help, but just the other day I realized what do these people really know if they’re also on here everyday? Sure they have experience, but they’re also probably bitter and just as broken as I am. How can they honestly help me? Everyone tells you something different and they also don’t know my Ex, they’re just basing their opinion on how I explained my situation. And once again people would get bitter with me if I didn’t want to listen. Some people were extremely harsh and while my emotions are down right now I really can’t handle that. Then people would start yelling at each other for telling me different things. 

It’s awful. 

I’ve been so confused about it all that I’m just going to go with my gut, which is what I should do to begin with. 

My point of this post is that it’s great to find people you can share in a hobby with online, but don’t join a forum. There’s no repercussions online. People can say and act however they want and honestly they can be very bitter people who are lost and looking to vent/complain to those who will listen. I’m guilty. 

But as I’ve said in my other posts, I’m starting to take a step back and realize what I’m doing and the harm of it. The only person I should listen to is my therapist who has no real opinion on the situation as she’s only there to listen versus my friends and family who will just protect me. 

If you or someone you know is getting caught up in a forum or internet drama, take a step back and see how it’s impacting your life. It might be driving you crazy and you don’t realize it anymore because you’re so deep into it and obsessed. One of the best things I did after losing my Ex was deactivating my second Facebook. I felt a huge weight lifted. 

And if you are first thinking of joining a forum, keep this in mind as it may be a regret down the line. 

Now I have nothing truly against forums, I just think they’re a place where negativity harvests as you interact with all kinds of people. 

Be cautious. 

Losing Makes You A Winner

If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts you’ve probably noticed I’ve been through a lot lately. 

I have. 

But I’m not here to tell you all my life problems. You can read most in the other posts, but nobody is here for that, at least I don’t think.  

Everybody has problems. It would be selfish of me to throw all mine at you. 

Anyway, have I mentioned I’ve been through a lot lately?

I have and it sucks. 

Life isn’t easy. Growing up life wasn’t that hard for me. I was spoiled being an only, not a spoiled brat but spoiled, good at school, landed some great opportunities and built a nice following on social media. But there definitely were hardships along the way. 

Death is always a hard one. I lost almost all of my grandparents growing up as well as dogs and other relatives. People come and go, that’s life and we chug through it. I’m very sad they left my life so young but that’s out of my control. 

In one of my other posts I mentioned the past 18 months have been very hard for me. A lot of hardship hit me at once and continues to as I write this. I felt I became somewhat depressed, can’t tell if I actually got there as I have my good and bad days, but I developed a slight anxiety and felt defeated. Not to mention my girlfriend of 2.5 years recently broke up with me with no desire to reconcile and my dog died. A lot of loss with those I care deeply about and it hurts. It’s a lot to grieve at once. Not to mention I’m struggling to land a job, but I know I’m not the only millennial going through that. 

Do you feel sorry for me? Probably, and I thank you for that if you do, but that’s not the purpose of this post, although it inspired it. 

During all this negativity I took a huge hit. Now I’ve been a pretty confident guy growing up, wasn’t confident with women until a few years ago, but my confidence took a huge hit when I graduated grad school as a professor made me feel like absolute garbage and almost cost me getting my Masters degree. I’ve been a great student my whole life so it rocked me hard. 

But I learned a lot through all my losses. And I feel I’m slowly becoming a winner. 

Life works in mysterious ways. 

It really does. 

Sometimes you literally have to lose everything, or close to it as I haven’t literally lost everything, to realize what you have. Like the saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone,” or however it goes. 

It’s true. 

When you feel you’ve been knocked down, and I mean really down and you can’t get up, you learn not only about life but also yourself. 

These past 18 months I’ve learned so much. I’ve learned plenty about myself. I realized how immature I was in my relationship, and I was very good to my girlfriend so don’t get me wrong, but I was very childish about things. I also had horrible habits that were toxic. Not to mention struggling to land a full time job for so long has taught me to be appreciative for any job and the “crappy” jobs people take to survive. I learned how to stand up to people who don’t believe in my self worth, which was big for me as I don’t like to talk down to others. I also learned that people come into your life to teach you things, without my breakup I probably would still have the horrible habits and isolation I created. 

I’ve honestly been very humbled. I’ve always considered myself a humble guy but all these experiences really humbled me, I mean really. I don’t even look at people the same anymore and I’m more aware of people who are not humbled than ever before. I’ve always been appreciative and polite, but I’ve realized how to be grateful for everything. Not to judge people or how they are. If someone treats you poorly accept it, of course don’t put up with it, but don’t stoop to their level. Realize why they are the way they are and learn from it. 

So when life brings you down, and it will at some point I’m sure, realize you’re being taught a lesson.

I’m not a religious type but I feel everything in life happens for a reason. 

For example, as I continue to write this post I just came home at 1am from being with my friends and I turned on the TV. What’s on? It happened to be a preacher talking about the importance of being a true, caring, loyal friend and how many people are just fair weather friends in that they only are there for you when it’s convenient versus always being there for you. 

I was honestly blown away that of all topics for me to turn my TV onto, and my TV is always set to NBC as I only watch the Tonight Show before bed, was the importance of being a true friend. 

This blew me away because although my Ex and I broke up, I still want to be the person I always was to her (better of course), even if we are no longer together because that’s how I am with the people I love and consider my best friends. This just really spoke to me and I’m not the Jesus type guy at all. I was meant to catch the last few minutes of this scripture tonight. 

Things are happening to teach you how to be a better person. So even though you may feel like a loser, you’re really being prepared to be a winner. 

Just be aware of everything going on around you as you are being spoken to in the most subtle ways. 

Do you think I wanted to lose my girlfriend of 2.5 years? No way in hell. I loved that girl and still do. Honestly she taught me a lot about life and I’ve become a better person during and after the relationship. When I took a step back and realized what happened I also realized I became a better person from it. 

Like I mentioned in a previous post, if you can avoid tunnel vision and look at the bigger picture you can learn a lot and realize you’re learning these lessons to become a better person. 

So next time you get knocked down, get up and look at why this is happening, as hard as it may be. When the smoke clears do this. You’ll truly reward yourself in the end. 

Tunnel Vision in a Relationship

Everybody has relationships in their lives. Whether a romantic, business or personal (friendship) one, we’ve all had them before and always will, unless you live as a hermit somewhere of course. 

Recently my Ex broke up with me and I felt this could partially be from tunnel vision. Tunnel vision in that she was so focused on one point of our relationship and not the bigger picture, so I think. Now my Ex and I are still friends, we didn’t end negatively, but I have been struggling with life for nearly 18 months for a number of factors. A lot of hardship has been surfacing back to back, something I’ve never dealt with as nobody can prepare for so much at once, and it took a toll on me emotionally, making me feel defeated. This wasn’t the man she fell in love with, but it’s honestly just a dark phase I will pull through. And yes a relationship takes two people, so it’s of course not all my fault but I am partially to blame and definitely take responsibility. But I feel she was so focused on how I am now versus where I will be once things pick up again, which they’re starting to. 

But here lies tunnel vision. 

I know she was so focused on finding a job in order to pay her upcoming hefty student loans, besides the fact we are now long distance after we were together for two years at school, so all this probably clouded her vision. Perhaps she felt the bigger picture couldn’t happen with my current state I’m in, who knows, but I know I would pull through it. It is what it is, she is still a part of my life and that’s what matters to me. I learned a lot and want her to be happy, just like she wants me to be. 

At the same time, I had tunnel vision here. I was only in a negative mentality who acted like there was no way to break out of it. This probably hurt her, putting strain on our relationship. Thinking about it now that’s definitely my issue, I was so stuck in a bad spot. Now I’m doing much better since we split but I still have it a bit. It happens to the best of us, but I know I wasn’t intentionally doing it. 

Now here lies a different type of tunnel vision. 

Tunnel vision in the job market. 

I recently applied for a job, a very different job (non-corporate), for an entrepreneur. This man came off nicely in my first phone interview, although he didn’t let me talk much, which was a sign of tunnel vision right there. He was only happy I had built a nice following on YouTube, but didn’t take notice of anything else. When I had an in-person interview with him, once again he did all the talking. He knows my skills but doesn’t know my work capabilities or me for that matter. A week later he makes me an offer, a very weak one. So I counter and we end up talking on the phone. This time he starts doing all the talking, again, until I stand up for myself and cut him off. I put this man in his place. It felt great as I’m not always one to be like this. During my in-person interview he knocked my schooling and insulted people with mental disorders, two things that really rubbed me the wrong way and I made a mental note of it. Now during this call he says he’s never seen my work before. 

You want to hire me but you’ve never seen my work? Never looked at my huge portfolio?

No, he just saw I was popular on YouTube and watched one video. Great employer, right? 

Tunnel vision. 

As I continue to have a dialogue with this man he ups his offer, still not enough, but keeps putting words in my mouth, saying I’m not capable of things nor want what he wants. Not once did I ever say this. I stood up for myself because I know what I’m worth and nobody is going to talk down to me the way he did. Now I’m no expert at my craft and I’m extremely humble, being fortunate enough to work with many high profile people and companies at a young age, but I know I’m decent at what I do otherwise I wouldn’t have all the opportunities I’ve had. Not to mention I have a Masters and certification, so I must know something, right? The sad thing is that this man is less established than I am, is looking for someone to help establish him, but knocks their credibility. And he told me I’m his favorite applicant, so why insult me?

What kind of businessman is this?

Just texting with him he only reads one sentence out of everything I wrote to him and gets uptight about it. Just a very conceited man too caught up in himself. This wasn’t a man who wanted to know about me, he just wanted to know what I could do for him and that’s it. That’s a negative relationship. 

My point of these stories is that tunnel vision in a relationship can be dangerous. We’re all guilty of it as when we are focused on something that’s usually all we notice. But people who let it constantly cloud their judgment are not people you keep around. 

Now my Ex was somewhat different and it bothers me if she couldn’t see the bigger picture like I assume because she knows I’m a great guy (she told me that), I could be wrong, but this businessman is his own worst enemy. 

It’s great he has a vision, everyone should, but if all you can see is straight and not the bigger picture, you’re going to sink your ship fast. 

If you realize you have bad tunnel vision, step back and take a look at the bigger picture. If you can’t do this then you are going to hurt yourself or someone else. Since my Ex broke up with me I’ve stepped back and realized where I went wrong in our relationship. That’s a mature thing to do. Now I wish I did this sooner and realized how my behavior hurt my Ex, but you can’t change the past, but you can change the future. If an employer or anyone for that matter can’t see your true worth, they’re not worth your time. Now I know I could help this guy tremendously, but he insulted me and never took a true interest in me and that is a deal breaker. 

Is tunnel vision hurting you or others? If so, change now before it’s too late. If you notice someone else has awful tunnel vision, avoid them if you can or let them know. You’ll save yourself from potential toxic situations. 

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.” – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

I hope this can help you or someone you know. 

An Open Letter to My Ex

I love you. 

Yes, I just said that because it’s true. I love my Ex. She broke up with me nearly a month ago and I still love her. I will always love her. I can never hate her. 

Why?

She changed my life. We were together for a little over two years. In that time I learned to give of myself in so many ways. She was my first love. My best friend. My soulmate. 

I learned to care for someone besides myself, which was a big deal. I learned to compromise for others, as much as I let myself at the time, who were important to me. I learned to share. I learned how to be an adult, so I thought. 

You changed my life in many ways. 

You made me happy. You made me feel like a million bucks. You made me feel special and desired, a feeling I aspired for for so long. You gave me strength when I needed it. You made me love. 

I know we had our differences. We came from different backgrounds and I wasn’t sure how to adapt to it. We wanted different things. Even though I may have felt or said things a certain way, what you wanted was always important to me and still is. I was very selfish at times. 

In our second year of our relationship things became very hard for me. So much negativity came into my life I couldn’t handle. I didn’t want to handle it. I didn’t want to face it and became extremely selfish and weak. 

I put pressure on you that nobody deserved. I relied on you for all my happiness. I was now living for you, not myself. I drained you of your happiness because I had none left in me and I stole it from you. I stole your strength. I stole your love. I weakened you and made you unhappy. I failed you. 

I love you. 

I love you because you allowed me to dig deep within myself when I ultimately had no desire to. I really looked deep down and found where I went wrong. I went wrong in so many ways. I became so toxic to not only you, but myself and those who cared about me. I pushed everyone away. I isolated myself. I didn’t want to grow up. I was immature and very childish. I didn’t want to change or grow up. I didn’t want to face the reality of life. 

I rediscovered myself. I made drastic changes. I went cold turkey. I destroyed my immature habits. I became healthy in every sense of the word. I realized I became needy and insecure, someone I know I never was meant to be. I was scared. My emotions took over me, which pushed you away. I was clingy and overbearing because of these sudden insecurities. I lost my confidence in life. I lost the man you fell in love with. 

I’ve since destroyed those fears. I got help. Help to make me strong and how to conquer these toxic feelings that took over me. I brought people back into my life. I surrounded myself with friends and family. I surrounded myself with life. I’ve cried. I’ve felt the pain. It’s made me stronger than I ever was. I give of myself more than ever. I’m aware of when my internal habits surface and how to defeat them. I’m aware of those around me and how to be a better person. I’m mature and continuing to grow positively. 

I’m cleansed. 

I know this because of my attitude now, it wasn’t the attitude from a few weeks ago when I jumped the gun as I was still the old me then. I know this because I gave my mother a very thoughtful gift and she loved it. I cried out of happiness that I finally succeeded to no longer be selfish. My selfishness is gone. The negativity is gone. The fear is gone. The old me is gone. The past is gone. 

The only direction is moving forward. 

I love you. 

I love you because the pain and suffering these past 30-days has opened my eyes and allowed me to become the person I needed to be to succeed. The person I need to be to conquer the future. The man I want to be. The man you’ve always wanted me to be.

I thank you. 

I thank you for all that you’ve done for me. I’m grateful for my experiences with you. I’m thankful for your family who has shown me love in ways I couldn’t imagine. I’m thankful for you. Sometimes you have to lose everything to realize what you had/have. 

You are my best friend. You are the person I love. Whether you love me back anymore is up to you of course, but I will always love you. You made me who I am today. The man I was too scared to become before. I’m beginning to love myself again. 

I’m beginning to be the real me. Who I was meant to be all along. The old me was immature in so many ways. 

I love you with all my heart. I know you know that. I regret I hurt you, but I want you to know I heard you all along. I made mistakes I can’t go back and change.

I changed now to never make those mistakes again. I’m a better person. I not only love you, I love myself and what I’m becoming. 

You’re a beautiful person inside and out. We clicked in so many ways. We balance each other out. Your cute little smirk when the computer camera loaded melted my heart. Your loving and nurturing attitude made me feel blessed. The cute sound you’d make when you wanted a kiss made me excited. The way you held my hand made me feel so close to you. The way you popped my pimples showed me how much you cared. The way you held me and looked into my eyes made me realize how special I am to you.  Your touch filled me with joy in ways I can’t describe. The way you cooked for me, did my laundry when I wasn’t home and overall took care of me showed your true affection. Your desire to improve my life showed me how much I meant to you. I did notice it all, even if it seemed like I didn’t, and it meant the world to me. 

I know you said you’re done. You’re done with the past. I am, too. You deserve happiness and I do, too. You’re happier than ever now. So am I. I know deep down you still care and I do, too. 

I slipped, I fell hard, but this time I picked myself up for real. I know you did, too. 

I’m truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. 

I thank you. 

I love you. 

I’m ready.